The beginning of the end....The End?

Well chaps - you may be feeling that this blog and quit attempt has been light. Its not through lack of desire or change just that there hasn't been much to report.

I am still using the patches - and have an appointment next week at the doctors to go onto step 3 - I have NEVER got to step 3 before (never usually get past step 1!!).

But I am in a place just now, where I go 2, 3 even 4 days without thinking about cigarettes. Apart from when I am out drinking, which is the only time I indulge - and I am hoping that will disappear in time.

So I now turn my full and undivided attention to my other life challenges - weight loss and fitness gain! Stay tuned for another wonderful blog... and I will keep this updated when I reach major milestones - like step 3 - coming off the patches and of course the 1 year anniversary. But that's all folks, for now!

x

Nicotine withdrawl and PMT - a dangerous combination!

This has probably been the toughest week of my life!

As we move into week 6 I have had the most difficult time!

 Emotional wreck does not even begin to cover how I have been feeling this week!

<-------    2.4seconds from










to------>







And I am not joking!



I have been overwhelmed this week. Like I have been hit by a brick wall of anxiety - not just with the fags, but weight loss, work commitments, being single.

I've been binge-ing and I had 1 cigarette - then I cried, was so disappointed in myself. People tell me not to worry - that I am working too hard, doing too much, taking on too many things...

but I can't help it - I am an all in or all out kinda gal!

but I am struggling, and not sure where to go from here...

1 month later... new (very good) reasons to stay stopped!

Well happy campers it's been 1 whole month since I made the personal decision to quite smoking. Aside from two smirting incidents I have not smoked!!

So its a month on - and they health gurus tell me that my circulation is beginning to improve as does my ability to well... breathe. This is something I am definitely seeing in the gym - remember how I joined the gym - well I have been going! Honest!

Getting into shape is going to be a tough, long, road. As I am panting and puffing (oxygen not fags) away at my classes I have to say in my head over and over again - you will enjoy this! you will enjoy this! Harder work than lighting a cigarette - but there is no buzz on the planet better than completing an hour of kettlebells and knowing how much pain you are going to be in come tomorrow!

HOWEVER..... I have also been dutifully informed that something else is meant to get better as circulation improves: 

 sex!!

Now I was aware - due to the subtly advertising on cigarette packets - that smoking affects men in that area: 
 
But the NHS have informed me that sex also improves for women - again because of improved circulation. Not only is arousal quicker - but orgasms are easier to achieve! Well - every little helps!!

This little inspirational piece of information is grand - but the problem when you get over the initial month is keeping up the motivation! I joined the gym, which is a huge reason not to go back to smoking - but here's another: MONEY!

My gym membership is costing 1 week of fag money.... which means i should still have £90 a month lying about doing nothing.... yet I don't!

OK OK so I may have impulse bought a ticket to Thailand the other day... which works out at a feeble 5 months fag money.... but yet I am finding myself watching the pennies closely. I spend a total of £10 last week (yes the whole week) on non-essentials but I just don't seem to have fag money left over, isn't it funny how as a smoker you always find the cash somewhere. If I am brutally honest I very much doubt I'd be going to Thailand this year if I was still smoking now!

But in order to keep the motivation levels high (esp as I am single and therefore unable to test the sex gets better in time theory properly) I am pledging to put £1 a day into my savings jar (from the 1st attempt!!)

OK so I would be spending 3 even 5 times this amount on fags... but its an achievable goal to start with. £1 a day in my jar even in the next month is £28-£30! That's another weeks worth of fags! I'll let you know if I stick to my new motivation! and stay off the ciggies!! 

Swapping one addiction for another...

So as my 3rd week with (almost) no cigarettes passes by I decided that it was time for another positive change. Having listened to my body and mind I have a real sense of accomplishment for this quit attempt, to tell you the truth I cannot believe, for the most part, how easy it has been this time.

I think the reason is because this attempt is for me - not for a bf, or friends, or family, or for a single reason like a health scare or finances. All of these are perfectly valid reasons - but on their own its not enough and when you have to overcome an addiction, other people are not worth it.

Harsh maybe, but that is the way that you think as an addict -  or as a human being. We resent people who make us give something up - be it free time, a choice... whatever! Sometimes the resentment is fleeting, other times it can become deep rooted. Addiction tends to come under the latter.

But this week - to mark my 3rd week of being a non-smoker and smirter (smoking and flirt-er - see previous blog for details) I did something that was purely for me - I swapped one addiction for another - and joined the gym!

Now - the cartoon illustrates my feelings about a gym - and yet I have sold my soul for 1 solid year. But here's the thing - my last proper quit attempt was about 2 years ago and I lived near a sports centre at the time - whenever I had an urge I would head to there and blast off 30 mins of cardio or do a class whatever and the feeling would go away.

Today I am not super close to the gym - but I am addicted to kettlebells and a hungover zumba session on a sunday is too good an opportunity to miss. My gym membership is going to cost £36.50 a month - sounds a lot - but here is the clincher - I'd spend that on fags - a week!!!

So for 1/4 of the money I am going to look and feel amazing - don't get me wrong it's a tough world and it's going to take me a lot longer and a lot more effort to belong to this group ----->







<------ rather than this group!




but I know which side of the fence I would rather be on... because I don't want to end up in this group:

Screwdrivers, Stilettos and Smirting!

Well, here it is - the one thing that all quitting smokers dread - the night out!

As one of my friends (known as a social smoker - i.e. only smokes when she drinks) says: alcohol and cigarettes, it's like fish and chips!

I hadn't been out with this particular friends in ages and since we had worked together all week I ended up with an invitation to a friend of this friends birthday night out...

Having only been off the cigarettes for two and a bit weeks I knew that this would be a problem. In fact, its the thought of nights out that are one of the reasons why I usually end up back on them. I figure I am going to smoke anyway, may as well start 4 days early :)

This time however the thought of having a fag beforehand never crossed my mind. My friend calls it smirting - smoking and flirting! and I like it!

I smoked on the night out, maybe 4 or 5 fags overall. The next day my hangover was awful (helped along somewhat by the french martinis that we had!! never again BTW!) and I didn't smoke. I don't really smoke with a hangover anyway - good excuse to be drunk more often I suppose.

But today (Monday) I put a patch on and haven't really been bothered at all. The mental difference is acute at times like this, when you realise that something has significantly changed inside you. Perception has shifted and this is not a phase. Some of my long term friends roll their eyes when I say I have stopped, one of friends tends to ask: are you on or aff them the now, before she has one!

So for the time being maybe the term ex-smoker isn't true, but a smirter... I could live with that!

“Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”

Well J R R Tolkien - I am most definitely a wizard!

So as my 2nd week milestone flies towards me at breakneck speed I would be lying if I told you that this week has been as much of a dawdle as the last. In fact up until 2 days ago I would have reported that on the whole I am feeling really good during this quit attempt, to the point of which I almost don't feel like I am not even giving up an addiction.

Until of course I went super-nova at my Mum over a comment about the bra I was wearing on Saturday!

Ok, there were other things going on that day and I was feeling a bit emotional on the whole. It was also my 1st day off after working 60.5hours over the last 7 days. On top of that - it was THAT week!

But regardless - I did go a little OTT. A little being a large understatement. I went nuts, I also went nuts at a taxi driver who overtook me in a 40 zone as I was going 40. Annoying I know - but the guy nearly had a heart attack when I started hammering my horn, flashing my lights insanely and proceeded to drive up his arse for 10 whole minutes before I had to turn off for my street... ehm.... sorry about that by the way.

However as the 2nd week mark approachs (touch wood) yesterday and today have been ok and I am hoping that it was more the fault of THAT week and the other stuff that has had more of an impact that anything else. I am also going to spinfit tonight to try and work out some of the aggression - 

Kickboxing may also be next on my list of new things to try this year!

A week in the life of....

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

~William Shakespeare

A week can feel like a lifetime. In this past week I have had tremendous highs, laughed until my sides hurt, heard of great loss, worked over 60 hours, used up 3/4 of my tank of petrol, read 1 book, sent 100s of texts, several e-mails and have had 0 cigarettes!

Time is an interesting concept. Although our world has a natural sense of time - the seasons, sunset and sunrise and the planets circle of the sun, it was human beings who created time as we know it know. We count our years, split them up into more manageable chunks so that we can wrap our heads around this concept. Going even further these months are split into weeks, weeks into days, days into hours, hours into minutes.

When you are giving up smoking you are usually given some sort of patronising help book or leaflet from the pharmacy - written by people who have probably never smoked a day in their life but have enough qualifications and research skills that they can tell other people how to give up their addiction. (not that I have an issue with this... or anything).

Advice shifts, depending on where you go, but one things has remained ironically constant over all of my quit attempts. I am always told: TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. Encouraged to reward myself for getting through a day, a week, a month, a year. I don't have a problem with this - in fact my facebook status today is 1 week :) But here is the thing - a week is a small part of the rest of my life, so much happened this week - things that are more important than me and my personal issues, and that has given me some perspective. 

I'll keep up the blog of course - bad things happen to people all the time and people still enjoy music, comedy, friends and laughter. Life must go on, as they say. However, maybe a little less self-centred blabbering to the world is a good thing. So I am going to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone in my life who is supporting me in this blog, in my quit attempt, and in my life in general.

Now I am away to do some chores - and show my parents how much I love and appreciate them. If anybody reads this blog - do me a favour today - hug somebody you love - hug them really hard.

Have a happy day folks!!

A niggly itch....

Stress... one of the main reasons why people say that they smoke, and one of the major reasons why many smokers do not want to stop and defiantly THE reason why ex-smokers relapse:

Example A: The women I worked with on the tuck-in shifts the last 2 evenings. This women did my f'ing nut right in! Everything about this women annoyed me; her lack of professionalism, her opinions, the way she talked, her attitude... ARGH!

This is what is known as A Stresser!

There was one point where I had to physically fight the urge to walk to the shops for fags... just to get away from her. But I persevered - text everyone in my phone book - and engaged with the service users at a level that I never have achieved before in my 4 years of social work experience. I got through it, it was a tough test, but I feel like I have succeeded!

Roll on the 1 week mark :))

Confessions of an addict

One of my friends has just celebrated 6 months fag free - and another has made it to 1 week. Seems like a huge difference, but the friend at 6 months had a torturous weekend at a festival and still mucho craved a cigarette. She didn't smoke - which was an absolutely awesome accomplishment. She knows how proud I am of her (especially as I told her several times having had a cider or 6 too many).

Wither you are at 1 week, 6 months or on day 2 like me, an addiction is tough to break!

A smoking addiction is defined as a high dependence on a tobacco based substance - nicotine is the product which alters the chemical imbalances in the brain and results in feelings of pleasure (believe it or not).  Over time the brain grows nicotine receptors - the longer somebody smokes the more difficult it is for them to stop because their brain will have grown more receptors over time. When the receptors are starved of nicotine they promote withdrawal symptoms, which result in reactions in the body.

Sounds very sci-fi, but these are the facts and it makes sense. You have to work to become an addict, at first when I started I could go hours, even days without (particularity as my parents didn't know at the time) now a few hours is toture.

The patches are helping - by maintain my nicotine levels I don't get physical withdrawals, but psychological withdrawals are difficult to deal with - and there is no patch for that.

This time though there is a change in me - the power of positive thought. Rather than feeling like I have lost something - I checked myself and I change that thought into something positive - like "I have saved £6 today" or "I have gained an extra hour from not smoking". This seems to be doing the trick and I know that if I can get to 6 months, and go to a festival where there are drinks flowing and people smoking everywhere, and not smoke then my very drunk friend better be telling me how very well I am doing!

The positive day 1

Apparently people who chose to stop smoking on a Wednesday are the most successful (true for diets as well...) and actually I found today quite an easy day - which makes a change as usually the first week or so are not my good days!

Positive Mental Attitude (PMA as my friends call it) is defiantly the way forward. I only had a craving once - when I was talking to one of my clients at work and she had a packet of menthols beside her, but when I went to get petrol I bought 2 packs of mentos sweets instead of cigs, couple of minutes later I felt right as rain.

It has now been over 20 hours since my last cigarette, which means that my blood pressure and pulse rate are normal, my circulation has improved and all carbon monoxide has been removed from my body :)

I just kept busy, worked, did my chores, floated around on the WWW and pretty much didn't think about cigs at all!

PMA seems to be making a difference: it's no longer if but when I've stopped. I am a non-smoker not an ex-smoker. I will succeed!

started coughing up shit already....nice!

Preperation is the Key to Success

So I managed a couple of weeks cutting down and using the patches, only really smoked when I was drinking tbh which went really well!

Just back from TITP, during the 5 days I smoked a carton of fags, which wasn't a lot given that I could smoke pretty much anywhere I wanted :D It was a great blow out, cider, fags, friends and some amazing music!!

So here I am, starting back at work tomorrow. So I have hoovered and febreezed the car (to discourage me) and have a small number of fags for today. Reminding myself of the reasons I wanna stop is important, money being one of the top ones at the min (£3.09 for 10 - I used to split a pack with my friends in high school - we'd chip in 75p each for 5!!).

But also there is a certain sense of personality shift for me. I am beginning a beautiful new career, am single and doing things I would never normally do (TITP is a huge example!). I am losing weight and taking control of my life through a forced positive mental attitude! I want to be a new, better me. And I believe that I can be that person, and that person doesn't need to rely on cigarettes for courage or stress relief or confidence. I know I have been down this road before, you guys have read the blogs, but I really do feel different this time - I feel ready, I want to be free.

So my preperation has been a combo of mental and physical tasks - I have pulled out some books I have been meaning to read, signed up for a million shifts at work, got my patches, cleaned the car and finally doing my blog. The return of Mr Nasty, of crazy Sarah (who becomes addicted to cream buns) and of the highs/lows and downright uglys of giving up an addiction are all coming up!

I hope you'll stick with me again!

Smoking is No Longer Cool

So day 1 of attempt 415 and I actually feel ok. Stuck my patch on this morning then was struck by an instant slide show of up and coming events that I would usually smoke at. This was swiftly followed by the feeling of panic that all smokers get (like when they run out of cigarettes at 2am???).

This panic is an interesting sensation, one which a non-smoker cannot understand. Its momentary loss of all things logic, the 55 other things that were plaguing you that day melt away and all you can think about is when, how and where you can access more cigarettes. Its a result of one thing and one thing only: your addiction.

The brain (which is the part of your body which is addicted) when informed of the fact that it does not know where it's next hit is coming from, tells your body to FREAK OUT! Your breathing shallows, heart starts to race, you may even break out in a cold sweat. Your brain panics and your body follows... its a chemical reaction caused by a psychological dependence on nicotine.

My patches obviously help, because they supply my brain with nicotine over the course of the day. Yet this morning I still panicked. I struggled to see myself at the pub, at a concert, shopping with my Mum (a smoker) or at a festival, without a cigarette. I even lifted a lighter and told myself that maybe the next couple of weeks isn't a good time to stop.

But as I headed to the shop I spoke, out loud, to myself. I said "Sarah, why don't we just see if we can get through this moment. If you still want to smoke later on that's fine, but lets just see if we can overcome this panic". And I did, in fact I felt so much better I didn't have a cigarette, for the whole day.

Maybe it's because I told my brain that it did not need to panic for I was going to let it smoke later if it wanted. Or maybe it was simply the magical force known as "willpower" - which according to the NHS is like a muscle and needs strengthening (BS if you ask me). For whatever the reason I got through the day, which means I can get through tomorrow. I am not going to sweat over the small stuff.

Besides I was dutifully informed by an old friend today that "Smoking is No Longer Cool".

Actually Cannot Breathe!

I went out on Sunday - and I smoked like an absolute chimney - 20 fags like that!

When I am hungover I don't smoke, only had 2 cigges yesterday to compliment the hangover (and shaming) of the year. But this morning, when my body obviously decided that I could handle the pressure, I coughed so hard that stuff came out of my lungs... stuff!

I can barely breathe today... and do you know what none of my friends that I was out with smoked... none! I am a dying breed, quite literally - it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning... I am killing myself and my body is trying to stop me!

So here we go again.... quit attempt number 415 and new years resolution number 2 - to quit smoking!

and back to square one we go

Hey everyone!

Sorry I haven't written in a while.

Unfortunately the news is not good!

Due to recent upset in my life I am afraid that I am smoking again full time. At the time I believed it would make me feel better, it would give me something else to think about rather than my world crumbling around me.

Now I realise that it was simply the addiction talking - I made excuses, like I always do, and now I am back on the fags.

To be very very very honest - right now I don't give a shit!!!!

hmmm.... bored.com

I feel as though I am neglecting my blog this time round and I want you to know it's not because I am not trying hard or because I am slipping up and not wanting to say anything.

I am actually finding this attempt all a bit... easy.

For instance I proberly had one of the worst days of my life last week. Placement was awful, I fell out with my boyfriend, I was feeling so low. Not once did I think about having a fag.

Today i have been up to my eye balls in risk assessments, stressed out my box... not once did I think about having a fag.

I think my mind set has really changed this time. The only one wee niggly thing is going out.

I know it's stupid but I still can't convince myself that a night out will still be as enjoyable without cigarettes. Don't get me wrong I have identified that this is the weakest point for me and as it's only week 3 I am not beating myself up about having one or two on a night out. But I know the risks of social smoking when you've previously been a full time (or real :p) smoker.

Tonight is drinks for my boyfriends bday - it's very rare for me to have two nights out in the same month! I spoke to him though and he said if I really wanted one then it was ok. Sweet huh!

The thing is I think he knows this attempt is the real deal - I am in week 3 for crying out loud, usually don't get near it! But more than that he asked me if I had a cigarette on the worst day of my life, which was followed by another pretty horrific day due to some heavy future choice discussions. Usually this would have been enough for me to justify returning to my habit. This time however I am under no illusions - having a cigarette wouldn't have made the day better, wouldn't have made the conversation easier and wouldn't have made me feel any better. I would have felt guilty on top of everything else. And as a self confessed perfectionist who beats herself up about everything else the last thing I need is more guilt.

So i will go out tonight and if I have a fag then I have a fag, it won't my night any better - but there is a chance it won't make it worse. I just need to shake this fear... answers on a postcard please!
(or a facebook comment!)

Worst Night Ever

It's bad enough being stuck in on a Saturday - worse when your on your own. I did plan to study but a super sized bag of wotsits and the T.V. all to myself was too much of a temptation.

But there was definitely something wrong with me on Saturday night - I couldn't be bothered with anything, I felt weird - kinda out of sorts, I was annoyed at the T.V.

Then it hit me - I was  skantin' (heavily craving) for a cigarette!!!!!!

Saturday was the first time since I quit this time that I actually felt that I was physically craving a cigarette. Craving nicotine is not the horrible, painful experience that people (smokers included) think that it is. This is something we imagine - to give us an excuse to "fail" again. Most smokers do not even know they are having withdrawals at all - in fact all smokers go through life with withdrawal symptoms - in between cigarettes - and we don't become raging bulls then, so really no excuses!

I haven't really missed the ciggies much this time - but I would have chewed somebodies arm off last night for one. What did I do - nothing much. I made a cup of tea (which I don't associate with smoking because I never did them together) and went to bed.

Feel fine again today. Feel so much better for getting through a really bad craving and determined to keep calm and carry on.

(victory dance round the room to the tune of mambo no.5)

the morning after the night before

So after only being off the cigarettes for a few days I had a night out on hand. Extremely excited and also very nervous - I didn't want to let anyone down.

But I did smoke.

But I don't feel like a failure.

You see the thing is that this time the people around me are reacting very differently then in previous quit attempts. I am not being constantly asked how I am feeling, or how I am getting on. I don't miss it this time - actually I find it's easier without the constant reminder.

I was a bit disappointed with myself for smoking - but my best friend (a social smoker herself) made me realise that I didn't fail. That sometimes the people around you can make you feel like a failure when you slip up, simply because they are desperate to see you succeed.

The difference is remembering that I am not doing this for anybody else - this is most definitely for me. It's about escaping the habit - it's about being in control of my life, not the other way round.

The next day - stuck a patch on and I honestly have even hardly thought about cigarettes since. When I went to the pharmacy for my weekly check up, my CO2 level (which was 6 last week) is down to 2 - that of a non-smoker :D

The morning after the night before never felt so good - despite nearly throwing up on the bus home, might have to blame the vodka for that!

Day 3 - The journey

“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”
- Chinese proverb

So I am on day 3 on my final quit attempt. And I don't mean final in that is I fail I am never trying again - I mean final because I am going to quit for good.

I am using the patches again - but importantly I have a different frame of mind this time. I actually managed to finish the Allen Carr EASYWAY to stop smoking book. I have had it for years, gifted to me on my 20th birthday and have read it - almost to the end - about six times. The thing is I could never finish it, probably because I was meant to stop smoking when I did!

This time I did finish it and at the time unfortunately it wasn't like a light bulb went on in my head. I began to think I didn't understand something, that maybe I was different and this wasn't going to work on me. However, when I began to think about it I realised that the aim of the book is not for the last sentence to suddenly make all the difference - it's just getting to the last sentence - if you get to end then you realise that you really want to stop.

It's the fear of stopping is what holds almost all smokers back - me included - the fear that nothing will ever be the same, that no social occasion will ever be complete without a cigarette and that for the rest of our lives we will find ourselves having the occasionally craving or pining for a fag.

What the book taught me most of all was that the empty feeling that I get, the one that holds me back from stopping smoking, is created by nicotine addiction. When you stop craving nicotine - physically AND mentally - then this feeling disappears and is replaced with a new one - pure enjoyment!

I have a very good friend (she will know who she is if she reads this) who probably has one of the most enviable social life's ever! This women is absolutely stunning, both inside and out, and every Sunday night or Monday morning she will have a facebook status which will some sort of variation on "What a Brilliant Weekend - Blazin!". She works hard, has amazing values and is one of the few people in my life I care very deeply about. She doesn't smoke!

I have realised that a good night is had by all (especially with the crazy mob I go out on the tiles with), but probably more so by non-smokers, who longer have to breathe in all our second hand smoke in the pub, but also don't have to stand outside, on the street, (usually pished), freezing cold, to have a fag.

Now, I have a night out on Saturday and I am not for one minute saying that there is no way I am going to smoke. You might find this a negative attitude to have before the event but I have to disagree. Previously I would argue that seen as I am going out on Saturday night, and I KNOW I am going to smoke because I am drinking then it's no big deal if I have the odd cigarette in the WEEK leading up to the night. Previously I would buy the packet during the day and normally I would smoke as usual all that day, night and probably the next day when I have a hangover as well.

I am not saying I will be able to not smoke on Saturday because I have identified that nights out are my most vulnerable place. But I can tell you that I will not smoke this week just because I have a night out. I will not buy a packet until I actually need to (or I'll just mooch off my other very very bestest friend - she definitely knows who she is haha). I will not smoke during the day and I will not smoke the day after.

Like the Chinese proverb says - a journey is made up of steps and we can only take one step at a time. The important point is that we must keep stepping - if we stop the journey is over. So I am being positive and I know that I will make it through this week. If I have a rest stop on Saturday night from my non-smoking journey, then fine, so long as I don't stop altogether and remember to keep on stepping.

Step 1 - I want to stop because.....

All smokers know they should stop. They also know the reasons why they should stop:

                                                                Improved Health

                                                                    Children     

                                                              Others Around Them

    

                                                                           Money

Why do I want to stop? Usually because I am told that it is what I should want!?
Not this time!

But I am also aware that all the reasons above and not the reasons why I want to stop, because lets face it - if the scare strategies worked, if those reasons that are drilled into all smokers mattered to me, then I would have stopped a long time ago, in fact I wouldn't have started smoking.

What I have realised is that it is the reasons why I smoke that I need to rethink.
I started because I thought it would make me look cool and save me from being bullied, perhaps there is still an element of that - which I know now is no reason at all.
I have a lot of friends who don't smoke - and I think they are some of the greatest people ever (not to say my friends who do smoke are any less awesome!).
Smoking doesn't destress me - biologically it is a stimulant, it increases the chemical reactions in my body that are the same as stress - the destresser is when I walk away from the thing that is stressing me to go for the cigarette.
Smoking doesn't help my concentration, it makes it worse because when I begin to crave I lose the focus on the task at hand!

Why do I want to stop - because I am fed up. I am a self admitted control freak (friends and family will confirm!) and I obsessively try my best to control everything - my day (I hate when plans change unexpectedly), my finances (internet banking is one of my home pages), my life ( 5 year plan - try 15 year plan!!!). Yet everyday, every hour, I let something else control me. I work my life around cigarettes - I leave the house ten minutes earlier than what I need to so I can have my morning cigarette at the station and I leave work five minutes earlier than I need to so I can do the exact same thing before I head home.

I am fed up being an addict! I want to be another type of person - one who is fit and happy and most importantly - IN CONTROL!

2 days to go.... till d-day!

First Step is the Hardest

You would think after various attempts I would get used to the first step of quitting smoking - but it really is the hardest part of the journey. You know the pain and difficulties that lie ahead and that it can all be avoided if you don't bother starting at all. The fear of failure - again - weighed heavily on my mind when I phoned up the smoking class today to find out if I missed it. Apparently it starts tonight....

Excuses, excuses:

I am still recovering from the flu and feeling quite tired and drained today... (first day back at placement).
I have been up since 6.30am and I am tired...
I won't get home till 8pm! That's too long a day!

Then my colleague (who is on day 5 of his personal journey - we were meant to stop together, he dumped me in favour of an earlier start....) told me that I can get the same support from the pharmacy, and if I made it one local to my placement location I don't have any excuses (I was halfway through saying my pharmacy would be closed before I got home when he threw that one at me).

So off I toddled, and the lovely pharmacist took some details and informed me (so much for personal choice, picking a date to be ready etc etc...) that my quit date was 18/1/2011. I go back on the 17th to get my patches and get a CO2 reading (where they tell me how much poison is in my lungs) and then quit the next day. Every Monday I go back - they do a reading to see if I cheated and get my next weeks patches. It has a very rehabilitative feel to it all.... then I suppose that it what I am doing, rehabilitating myself into a non-smoker.

So as I walked up from the shop - stop smoking leaflets in one hand, fag in the other, I thought about my first step. I realised that, in fact, my first step was completed - I had asked for the help, got it and signed my life away. The second step is this week - I have to 'disassociate' my habitual cigarettes, e.g. the ones I always have - like before I go in the office, before lunch, waiting on the train to go home - you get the idea. By smoking at other times I will weaken the link between cigarettes and specific times of the day, so when I stop those times won't be particularly more difficult than any other - an important step to limit the impact of craving!!

So there you are - step 1 - now I have to plan my quit date.

HELLO 2011!

Well here we are - 2011 and I am still smoking.......


Unfortunately my previous attempt didn't go as planned, but apparently the average smoker has 4 real attempts before giving up for good, still got a few lives left then!!

In the spirit on New Year, New You and all that shite, I have decided to give chucking the bad habit another go! I was going to start a new blog thread but I think that this is a journey and the journey includes some unplanned stops along the way. So instead I have decided to continue the blog on, because I have learned from my mistakes and (hopefully) won't make them again!

I have signed up for a stop smoking class, although I think the first class was last week - I had flu :( but you stop in the 3rd week, according to the website, so I am going to phone them tomorrow and see if I can still go!!

My plan is to try Zyban - I have been advised by my GP not to go anywhere near Champix because of the weird affects it has had on my the last two attempts (oh shit! I don't have any lives left - well the 2nd attempt doesn't really count because I was taken off the Champix before I stopped smoking - so I have a spare life! phew!)

So I am going to make an appointment with the GP tomorrow and ask about Zyban - the reason I think it will be better is because it has no nictoine - nice clean break - but also that it makes cigarettes make you feel sick - I usually cave in and have a sneaky one which snowballs into a relapse, so if that sneaky fag doesn't do anything for me then hopefully I won't have another.

I am also going to read Allan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking, it has worked for a lot of people and hopefully it will work for me to. I have got to the same chapter twice before, then stopped reading, possibly because I realized that reading any further meant quitting.

And of course I am going to do the blog - keeps me busy, gives me a chance to offload and... well I like the attention I get :D

Those who read this blog - my friends and family - supported me through my attempt and consoled me through my relapse. I am going to be selfish and ask for that support again!

I will updated you all tomorrow on wither I can go to the class, and my subsequent quit date from there!!!

Fingers and Toes Crossed!!