sorry its late... and sorry I am failing

Hey everyone,

First of all sorry it has been so long since this blog post, it has been a couple of difficult weeks.
Unfortunately I am pretty much back to smoking all the time again, however I am still keeping it to about 5 a day, much less than before. I don't smoke in the house because I don't want to disappoint my Dad and I think that if I tell him that my attempt really will be over and I will have failed...again.

and why?                                         well......I am terrified of being fat...

The way I used to be - Slim and Gorgeous and Taller than Christmas Trees

I have worked hard and struggled with my weight since I was about 18. My self image, and lack of it, is a huge issue for me. I have very little self esteem and only feel confident when I am in a professional setting. I began to wonder why this is and came to the (probably over analyzed) conclusion that all through my life I have been good at one thing: school. Academic achievements are my thing, although I am not a straight A student I am a fairly consist B student and have always been happy with that. I feel most comfortable in that role; the one with the badge, with the label, with the information; the one where it doesn't matter what I look like because it's what I am saying that matters.

As soon as I start smoking I start eating everything, much more than what I already do. Freud would have a field day with me, as I am obviously stuck in some sort of Oral Fixation stage (although my boyfriend will probably disagree with that statement - wink!). I was beginning to work up my exercise program when I quit and that was helping but my blasted knee has been giving me so much bloody jip recently that I haven't been able to do anything at all; even walking up the stairs hurts.

the way i feel......

So I am stuck.. I am in a limbo of worlds; fit and healthy Sarah or same old smoking Sarah... thing is the fitness and the health don't really bother me - I just don't want to be fat. I am stuck between a cigarette and a cream bun and I don't know what to do....

If at first you don't succeed...

...destroy all evidence that you tried! (unknown)

Of course that is a little difficult given that hundreds (well maybe a dozen or so) people are reading my blog with tense fervour and rooting for me to do well. Talk about pressure...

Yeah lets talk about pressure. 66% of smokers want to give up (2007) and the top 4 reasons were: health, cost, family pressure and the effect on children (in that order btw! sorry kids!)
Smokers are told by everyone; health boards, family, friends, some non smokers they meet, every ex-smoker they meet (you guys are the fricking worst - I am just saying) that they should, nae they must, give up!

No offense guys, but if we listened to all the reasons why we shouldn't smoke, we wouldn't smoke in the first place! :)

I tried cigarettes for the first time when I was 13 years old... and I hated it!! I had just started high school and was desperate to avoid any bullying at all costs, due to a terrible time in the last two years of primary. I figured that if I smoked then the "cool kids" would like me and become my friends and as a natural consequence would leave me alone. This didn't really work out the way I planned, turns out that I still got bullied for actually doing my homework and wanting to learn stuff in class and got slapped six ways from Sunday into the bargain when my Mum caught me stealing fags out her packet! Good excuse to stop the pretence then...

And I did, I never touched another cigarette for 3 years. I concentrated at school and found a good group of mates who didn't smoke. Then I turned 15 and every rebellious hormone in my body awoke from their preadolescence hibernation to climax in a flurry of anger (at everyone) and upset (at everything). I also became painfully aware of my own body and like all girls that age, saw myself as fat and uncool and un-trendy and misunderstood and thoroughly pissed off! So I began to hang around at the weekends with other kids my age and as usual the lack of mental stimulation coupled with a desire to experiment and a thought process which concluded that I was pretty indestructible lead to the inevitable: drink and cigarettes.

Now 9 years later I am struggling to let go... am still smoking a couple a day - keeping one foot in the door? hmmm.... maybe. Not quite ready to sever the addiction? hmmm.... maybe. Not wanting to lose the feeling that I am a shatterproof young girl, with a great body, no responsibilities, no mistakes, no money issues and who is "in"? hmmm.... definitely.