sorry its late... and sorry I am failing

Hey everyone,

First of all sorry it has been so long since this blog post, it has been a couple of difficult weeks.
Unfortunately I am pretty much back to smoking all the time again, however I am still keeping it to about 5 a day, much less than before. I don't smoke in the house because I don't want to disappoint my Dad and I think that if I tell him that my attempt really will be over and I will have failed...again.

and why?                                         well......I am terrified of being fat...

The way I used to be - Slim and Gorgeous and Taller than Christmas Trees

I have worked hard and struggled with my weight since I was about 18. My self image, and lack of it, is a huge issue for me. I have very little self esteem and only feel confident when I am in a professional setting. I began to wonder why this is and came to the (probably over analyzed) conclusion that all through my life I have been good at one thing: school. Academic achievements are my thing, although I am not a straight A student I am a fairly consist B student and have always been happy with that. I feel most comfortable in that role; the one with the badge, with the label, with the information; the one where it doesn't matter what I look like because it's what I am saying that matters.

As soon as I start smoking I start eating everything, much more than what I already do. Freud would have a field day with me, as I am obviously stuck in some sort of Oral Fixation stage (although my boyfriend will probably disagree with that statement - wink!). I was beginning to work up my exercise program when I quit and that was helping but my blasted knee has been giving me so much bloody jip recently that I haven't been able to do anything at all; even walking up the stairs hurts.

the way i feel......

So I am stuck.. I am in a limbo of worlds; fit and healthy Sarah or same old smoking Sarah... thing is the fitness and the health don't really bother me - I just don't want to be fat. I am stuck between a cigarette and a cream bun and I don't know what to do....

If at first you don't succeed...

...destroy all evidence that you tried! (unknown)

Of course that is a little difficult given that hundreds (well maybe a dozen or so) people are reading my blog with tense fervour and rooting for me to do well. Talk about pressure...

Yeah lets talk about pressure. 66% of smokers want to give up (2007) and the top 4 reasons were: health, cost, family pressure and the effect on children (in that order btw! sorry kids!)
Smokers are told by everyone; health boards, family, friends, some non smokers they meet, every ex-smoker they meet (you guys are the fricking worst - I am just saying) that they should, nae they must, give up!

No offense guys, but if we listened to all the reasons why we shouldn't smoke, we wouldn't smoke in the first place! :)

I tried cigarettes for the first time when I was 13 years old... and I hated it!! I had just started high school and was desperate to avoid any bullying at all costs, due to a terrible time in the last two years of primary. I figured that if I smoked then the "cool kids" would like me and become my friends and as a natural consequence would leave me alone. This didn't really work out the way I planned, turns out that I still got bullied for actually doing my homework and wanting to learn stuff in class and got slapped six ways from Sunday into the bargain when my Mum caught me stealing fags out her packet! Good excuse to stop the pretence then...

And I did, I never touched another cigarette for 3 years. I concentrated at school and found a good group of mates who didn't smoke. Then I turned 15 and every rebellious hormone in my body awoke from their preadolescence hibernation to climax in a flurry of anger (at everyone) and upset (at everything). I also became painfully aware of my own body and like all girls that age, saw myself as fat and uncool and un-trendy and misunderstood and thoroughly pissed off! So I began to hang around at the weekends with other kids my age and as usual the lack of mental stimulation coupled with a desire to experiment and a thought process which concluded that I was pretty indestructible lead to the inevitable: drink and cigarettes.

Now 9 years later I am struggling to let go... am still smoking a couple a day - keeping one foot in the door? hmmm.... maybe. Not quite ready to sever the addiction? hmmm.... maybe. Not wanting to lose the feeling that I am a shatterproof young girl, with a great body, no responsibilities, no mistakes, no money issues and who is "in"? hmmm.... definitely.

Wisdom, Emotions, Relationships and the rest....

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

I have had the most emotional two days of my life, ranging from unbelievable anger to humiliation, to feeling like a selfish bastard too wrapped up in my own problems to the point when I forget to ask friends about theirs, to being so thankful that I have possibly the best friends in the world, to hating someone and then loving them all over again.

Cigarettes have just very nearly cost me my relationship... my three year relationship that has survived the credit crunch, an age gap, infidelity (on my part), betrayal, pregnancy scares, health problems, family problems, a breakup and thousands of little disagreements and hundreds of big disagreements. Cigarettes nearly cost me my other half, a huge part of my life, the man I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I ain't going to lie the intital disagreement about the cigarettes lead on to bigger issues which was threatening us, not the cigarettes per se. 

Some things in life are bigger than cigarettes. Some things in life are worth a bit of pain and suffering and sacrifice. 

Sometimes I am not a good person, most of the time I am not a wise person, but I have just started a painful journey which is going to need a lot of investment and time and patience and sacrifice from two people. Experience may be the bitterest way to become wise but surely that makes the lesson stick.

Its time to get back on track..... no more Mrs Nice Gal and no more Mr Nasty! 

Its an addiction - not a phase!

Addiction is defined as the condition of being addicted (to a habit) or of being an addict; specif., the habitual use of narcotic drugs.

Cigarettes contain nicotine, its the part that is addictive within the concoction of lethal poisons that are mixed together into some sort of suicidal cocktail.

If I had one wish it would be that I never stopped smoking in the first place (with a very close close second being the manner in which I lost my virginity - but that's another story, one which I will never tell you unless you ply me with alcohol and probably give me a fag!). Alas I have no magic wand, no genie in a bottle; just my will power fighting Mr Nasty and years of positive subconscious images of how cool it is to smoke.

As you can probably tell at this point i have hit somewhat of a low point in my journey. I celebrated my birthday on Friday night and there was alcohol and food and merriment and gossip and usually I wouldn't be able to resist a good few cigarettes but the thought never crossed my mind. Saturday night shift - I would have killed someone for their packet of fags, in fact I nearly did - the poor lamb I was working with, needless to say I ended up smoking. Problem was I had fags left over - shame to waste them and all that - smoked 3 today!

Dam it!! I was doing so well. You know what though I am stressed, I am tired, I am fed up, I am hungry all the fricking time, I am dramatic and upset and moody all the time and I miss cigarettes. I miss being a smoker! WTF is that all about?!?!

I try and stick to my image of Mr Nasty - but he is winning. I need a push, no, a shove back on track again and hopefully confessing to you lot will help me. I am almost frightened to admit when I slide back into old habits, I cannot be bothered with the look of disappointment my parents/friends/boyfriend will give me when I say it - so I don't, then become addicted to the secrecy, eventually get caught (boyfriend caught me fabulously the last time - fag in mouth - no weaseling out that one!).

Somehow though I know that the blog is helping, which is why I have decided to come clean this time. Tomorrow is a new day and I am hoping that a full day of studying will help keep my mind off it! I don't want to smoke and I have come so far - but its hard. This ain't like giving up chocolate or biting your nails. I ain't some 5 year old who won't stop sucking their thumb... I am an Addict! I am an Addict fighting and Addiction. I am an Addict fighting an Addiction to a drug which is defined as HIGHLY ADDICTIVE.

Looks of disappointment aside - I think people need to remember that!

Week 3... Epiphanies and Positive Thinking

I decided to stop bothering with the patches after about two weeks. There are several reasons behind this decision including the fact that they burn like hell for the first two hoursy and then fall off in the shower anyway. Plus I was using them as an excuse to smoke when I forgot to put one on so I figured I may as well eliminate that issue as quickly as possible.

Which means that now I officially have no nicotine in my body what so ever... any cravings I have are now in my head - not even my head but my tummy: Mr Nasty is my cravings and boy he is losing this war.

All my usual excuses I used in the past seem like feeble attempts for Mr Nasty to cling to his nicotine habit now. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend and when I got home I had one cigarette and do you know what: not only did it not make me feel any better but the reason we had a huge fight was still there after I finished said cigarette. I almost had some sort of epiphany: cigarettes don't actually make my problems better! Easy thought to accept really, especially when your head is halfway down the lavvy pan :) nice!

What is difficult, however, is that people forget. I mean I am not asking people to be checking how I am feeling every day etc. but sometimes people forget that I am still fighting an addiction, nicotine in system or not. Mr Nasty is still there... he is weaker and he is starving but that just makes him angrier which makes him all the more devious...

but I am trying to be positive and I hear that some people who read my blog are talking about stopping too. So here is a list of my body benefits so far: a list to help me think positively and to remind me that the fight is worth it.

After 2  days:Carbon Monoxide and Nicotine are both eliminated from my body! Yippee
3 days: Breathing is better, tubes relaxed and energy is on the up!!
2 weeks onwards: My blood is pumping with more oxygen in it, improving my circulation which helps ease pains, weight loss, decreases my risk of clots and makes my skin and organs healthier! This will continue to improve for the next 10 weeks!

I have saved about £112 so far!

3 year anniversary - smoke free Kisses

So having had a small bump in the road I got straight back on track with the stopping (slight oxymoron but you know what I mean).

My anniversary was amazing - my beautiful boyfriend had made me a home cooked curry and bought me a whole banoffee cheesecake to myself. There was candles, there was romance - it was perfect. Then I had the choice of an evening out or an evening in...

Evening in of course! LOL I am so boring... But we pulled the couch up in front of the television and had our very own cinema complete with Shutter Island and Sherlock Homles :D twas fab.

The best bit for me though was my present. My boyfriend has told me many times how happy he is that I have stopped smoking, how proud he is of me. I told him I would make it to our 3rd anniversary fag free and aside from one wee slip up I did. He didn't forget my promise and my anniversary present provided a little more encouragement for me to keep going...

How great is that! Funnily enough I can't afford to put the same amount of money in lol! I have no idea how I bloody afforded this smoking carry on in the first place. So I have decided on £2 a day just to keep me going! Thanks Honey for helping me stay focused!

Activism... Alcoholism.... And...?

Activism! Alcoholism! and Failure!

Well hello folks. In my last blog I talked about alcohol, but not because I wanted to give it up or anything, just that I knew I was going to be drinking over the weekend and I was worried how my willpower would fair.

First of all I want to set the scene. My university was holding the national Social Work Action Network (SWAN) conference and myself plus a few other volunteered to help out. The SWAN network is a national collection of social work students, practitioners and academics who believe in radical, socialist values and want to take action against the governments welfare cuts and challenge groups like the BNP!

The night before my friend had a bring a dish party and I knew I was going to have a drink or two...or three. And I COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT CIGARETTES ALL BLOODY DAY!!! So with a weakened resolve I bought ten fags. Although one friend did attempt to physically drag me away from the counter I was fed up with the mental torture that I had went through all day. Buying them may have put temptation in my hand but I sat through the whole evening and did not think about cigarettes once. I had a great night catching up with the usual suspects over a variety of homemade Indian delicacies and had one fag at the very end of the night, which I actually didn't feel too bothered about.

Then the next day I felt weird. I was tired, agitated and just didn't feel quite right. Then I realised something... NO PATCH! Bugger! The new environment of my friends, only having 5 hours sleep, hair and makeup needing done etc etc... totally forgot to put a patch on. So I ended up smoking some during the day as well.

Friday evening... it was ABSOLUTE WINE FUELED CARNAGE - we're not even getting into that discussion. but yeah I smoked....

The point is that on Saturday I was 100% not bothered about smoking. In fact I don't have a patch on right now and I feel fine. I had an amazing night and was privileged to be at an inspiring conference and I smoked. Now I am at home, I am chilling out and I haven't smoked.

Not to belittle the quit attempt, not forgetting Mr Nasty is still there; feeding me excuses. I would like to get to a place were I am not smoking even with alcohol. As long as I am right back on track then that is OK. So maybe not so much Activism! Alcoholism! and Failure.... now I think its more Activism! Alcoholism! and A Stumble on a long term commitment. Just doesn't have the same ring to it!

Day 7 - Drumroll Please

Dun dun dun dun da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


thats supposed to be a drumroll

So I made it - day 7! In fact I am actually writing this blog on day 10!!

So there you are folks I am well on my way and again your support has made it easier so thank you. Although the journey will be long I am thrilled to have gotten to the point where I can reply "Oh I stopped over a week ago!"

I feel better in terms of my mood AND the other day I even traveled to Glasgow, by train, and never though about it once. I know most of you are probably thinking And...? But that is quite a big deal for me. More than once I have found myself waiting at the station (I am always early for trains... always!) and thinking to myself; what the hell do non-smokers do when they are waiting on a train...as I smoke. Having voiced this concern to some friends a while back one of them looked at me like I had just said something like tigers are just big cats! Then casually replied... you just wait! Play with your phone or read or just wait!

Doing this blog was probably the best idea I have actually ever had, because now my 210 facebook friends know I have stopped smoking. To be fair 190 of them probably don't care much, or at all, actually given that I haven't spoke to them for years, and even when I did know them I didn't even like them to be fair. But the friends I do know and I do like have conformed into some sort of 24/7 smoking police. Just the other day at uni I was waiting for a mate at the bottom of the library ramp when another friend from class, who was walking down behind me, shouts "let me see those hands Conway!". There I was raised my hands like I was being arrested by the FBI: "whats my charge?"


In fairness I am thankful that people are in on the lookout for me and it saves a whole lot of explanations as well. However the next big challenge is coming up: ALCOHOL!

I haven't drunk since my holiday and I tend to find that alcohol weakens my resolve, especially if there are other smokers in the group. Will I or won't I? I am certainly going to try not too. Either way I can guarantee that someone will shout "Let me see those hands Conway!" and I can't get away with fibbing on facebook!

Day 5/6 - Itchy Fingers

Friday the 27th and Saturday the 28th were day 5 and day 6 respectively.I am suffering the dreaded itchy fingers!

I have up until this point been fairly upbeat about the whole stop smoking thing. People are behind me, I have never heard my parents say that they were proud of me so many times in such a short space of time and generally I felt pretty good about the whole deal. But the last couple of days I have been....

agitated... is probably the nicest way to say it..

Pissed off... is probably closer to the truth
Its really difficult to explain how it feels to come off of cigarettes and even if your an ex smoker you know every smoker is different. The people who say "I just stopped, cold turkey, didn't even think about it and it never bothered me", I don't feel happy for them or think that it's great, I want to chop of their heads and stick them on a spike with a sign hanging off their necks which reads; "shouldn't have rubbed it in, should ya?"

I am using patches, as you all know, and this means that I am on a controlled dosage of nicotine which is administered into my system through a patch on the skin. I am actually on the step 2 of the three step plan because I wasn't considered a heavy enough smoker to need step 1. I didn't get up in the middle of the night to smoke and it wasn't the first thing I would do in the morning, so my level of actual addiction was fairly low. What my problem came down to was habit. Pure and simple habit. I may not smoke first thing in the morning but the one after my dinner at night and the one I had before I went to bed were equally important to me. Giving this information you would think that the doctor would have not given me the nicotine replacement therapy (NRT) designed for people with strong addictions but maybe the NRT patch company had donated 200 extra pens that week and he had a moral obligation to "scratch their back".

So my agitation isn't, or shouldn't, be me craving for nicotine, because I am getting it, the same amount I was getting day 1,2,3 and 4. I don't know if its starting to study for my research methods chapter of my dissertation, a task that is slowly going to cause a mental breakdown. I don't know if it's being back at work on my usual shifts or cabin fever or boredom... but something is making me agitated.

Difficult to say wither or not I would have been agitated whilst still smoking or not... obviously I am not going to test that theory. Don't get me wrong I didn't have an urge to go and buy a packet but I can feel myself getting worked up over stupid things and I know the signs.

So I washed the car and tidied my room and signed an extra shift at work and ordered some make up on line (I actually had money in the bank even though its been over a week since payday!) and tried to keep my mind off of my annoyance. It worked, I still haven't smoked and soon I'll be blogging about the milestone that I very often never get to: DAY 7!

Day 4 – Time to say Thank You

I think it is time to say thank you. I didn't really expect anyone to follow my blog but not only are people reading it and following it but apparently you all think it's pretty good! So I am dedicating my day 4 blog to you all, because you deserve a big thank you for all your wonderful support and because nothing of particular interest happened today which I could stretch to a couple hundred words :)

Don't get me wrong I would have been very surprised if you didn't give me support and encouragement to chuck cigarettes. What I didn't expect however is the sheer volume of support; from my closest friends and family to people I haven't seen or spoke to in years. You are all giving me words of advice and I want you all to know that it does help. It makes me smile when people appreciate my blog and wish me luck, and it makes me all the more determined to keep going!

There are, of course, a few particular people that deserve a sentence or two for their outstanding contributions to my quit attempt. First of all my parents, who have of course nagged me from day 1 of my smoking career to stop. Its probably the only thing they have urged me to quit! I didn't make a big deal out of quit day, no brass band parading round the house whilst a professional town-crier declares "TODAY'S THE DAY!". No, No, none of that. I even left half a packet of fags and a lighter in the kitchen in my usual spot. I just woke up, stuck on a patch and stopped. No pressure on me to succeed or fail.

For their own part my parents stayed pretty quiet about the whole thing and allowed me to get through the hell of the first couple of days alone. Then my Dad saw me drawing Mr Nasty and I told him about the blog... put it this way; I have been trying for the last 23 years to make my Dad proud, hearing him tell me how proud he was of me, well.... melt!

My Mum, who also told me how proud she was, showed me through a systematic cleaning of my jackets, material bags, scarfs etc. things that don't get cleaned all the time. Going out to work with a fleece smelling of a summer breeze is lovely I have to admit. I could never really smell smoke off my clothes before but I can notice the subtle undertones of crushed silk and jasmine a mile away now! Thanks Mum.

Finally, a special thank you for the poor man who bears the brunt of my quit attempts. The man who I have been promising to quit to for 2 years and 11 months. The man who I have lied to about quitting when I hadn't. The man who I resented in previous attempts because HE was the one MAKING me stop. My poor boyfriend!

My long suffering boyfriend has been a huge part of my motivation to give up smoking, simply because he has always hated it. One day we were watching four wedding (I am actually addicted) and we were discussing our wedding (we are not yet engaged, his fault not mine) and he suggested a ceremony called 'hand-fasting'. I googled it and knew I wanted to be with him forever for sure...ahhh.

But in true female fashion I decided one day to ask: "before we got married, if you could change one thing about me... what would it be?". I eagerly waited for the rapid clanging of alarm bells and right flashes illuminating the backs of eyeballs as his brain screamed "ENGH!!ENGH!!!DANGER!!!DANGER!!!"

Nothing...nada... he didn't even blink. "I'd make you a non smoker."

WHAT!?!?!? Out of aaaalllll the things you could change (my temper, my nagging, my habit of opening my mouth without thinking, my ridiculously high standards, my over analytical nature.... you get the picture) you choose smoking?

Then I thought about it, and it dawned on me. To say that my boyfriend hates smoking is a understatement of gargantuan proportions. He utterly detests it! Is completly repulsed by it! Would be the first thing he would ban as president of the world hates it!

For 2 years and 11 months my boyfriend has had to put up with licking an ashtray every time we kiss. Put up with the smell when we're in the bed. Wait on his own in ques, the cinema, shops, restaurants, clubs, pubs whilst I nip outside. He has put up with the one thing he cannot stand above all else...because he loves me.

What a TWAT!

Only kidding. So my lovely boyfriend (future husband to be once you get your finger out and bloody ask) I save the biggest thanks for you. For putting up with me and my selfish habit for 2 years and 11 months I promise that as we celebrate our 3 year anniversary I will not leave you alone in the restaurant and I will not ask that you kiss me when I taste so bad (unless I have fish at dinner!?) because for your anniversary gift this year I am making your 'one thing to change' wish come true..

Day 3 - Cigarettes lower your appetite don't ya know?

Keeping Mr Nasty in mind I began Day 3 with a renewed vigor and overall it was was going well. I went to work in the morning and everything was fine. I was pleasant and happy and to be honest I didn't really think about cigarettes at all. Then I went to my weightwise class.....

To be fair I haven't been weighed in 3 weeks... and over the course of those 3 weeks I had a holiday which involved a lot of late night eating, snacks, cider and general alcoholic beverages.  When I came back from holiday I chucked the cigarettes and as the first couple of days are the hardest I felt it was my duty to ensure that I ate whatever I wanted, if it meant I didn't smoke.

But 8lbs!!! Come on people!? How the hell do you put 8lbs on in 3 weeks!?!?!?! This is a disaster!

Mr Nasty found the perfect opportunity to start whispering sweet nothings in my ear...
"you know if you smoked you would lose weight"...
"its the cigarettes which keep your appetite low"...
"you worked so hard to lose that stone, look whats happened now you've given up". 
If it wasn't for my Mr Nasty image in my head I would have legged it to the nearest shop and bought a packet there and then.

But I didn't, instead I talked about my concerns to Michelle, my weight-wise counselor and she helped me to refocus my thinking. At the end of the day if I lost it once I could lose it again and probably faster because I'll be able to do more exercise. My lungs will actually be able to pump oxygen around my body properly allowing me to burn more calories and get fitter, quicker.

I kept that in mind as I got a cut and blow dry at my local hairdressers with the money I had saved so far on cigarettes and when I picked up my boyfriend to go the pictures that night.

When he looked at me and said I looked lovely I felt good, but when he kissed me and said that I tasted great I felt amazing!

Day 2 - Meet Mr Nasty

(This Blog update is actually late! It should be Wednesday 15th August 2010)

So day 1 is over and I wake up on day 2 with a sense of relief. Don't get me wrong I know that there are going to be many battles to come, but in a small way I feel a sense of victory having overcome the dreaded day 1. You see once you are a few days down the line its harder to justify a sneaky cigarette. Day 1 you argue "uch it's only the first day, no big deal if I have one or two, I'm only just quitting...." Once you at day 5,6,7 then its harder to convince yourself that it is OK.

Convince yourself? Hmmm....I was deliberating this thought when I realized that I needed a new way of thinking about this battle. An idea I kinda stole from Alan Carrs' Easy Way to Stop Smoking; a fantastic book which I am reading in conjunction with the patches. I have never been a believer in positive reinforcement or tricking the brain into thinking something different.... until I seen my boyfriend performing some of the most outrageous moves whilst under the control of a hypnotist at Santa Ponsa. Very Very funny! I gave the book a real chance and it did have a lasting change in the way I thought about smoking just never really made me stop.

Anyway Mr Carr talks about his addiction in terms of a cigarette monster. A little monster which lives in your brain and is the reason why you are craving cigarettes. When you stop smoking this little monster starves and in turn makes you feel bad so that you want to smoke.

So I have decided to embrace this way of thinking and I think that it is going well. I have named my little monster Mr Nasty and even drawn you a picture of how I think he would look like.

My artistic skills may not be up to much but as you get the basic picture! Now instead of having arguments with myself in my head I argue with Mr Nasty and I am finding that it much easier to say no to him than to myself.

Mr Nasty lives in my tummy (now before you all start I know cigarette cravings are in the brain but the idea of something living in a space where there is barely room for one was a little far fetched don't ya think!?). So Mr Nasty lives in my tummy and he is made up of all that black, thick, disgusting gunk that accumulates in your lungs when you smoke. You know the stuff in the jar they show you at school which everyone goes "EUGH!" at then skip outside for their 'playtime' cigarette. Its a mixture of tar and phlegm and poison that are in cigarettes... and Mr Nasty stinks too! He smells like a thousand ashtrays all mixed in with years of stale smoke and sewage. His breathe smells like he's smoked 8 years of cigarettes at once and he never has any money ever! His skin is dull and he has no hair... he is revolting! He is my cigarette monster...He is the one who says "just have one" "no one will know" "you don't really want to give up anyway do you?". Now instead of my voice saying those things I hear a thick, gravelly voice which is harsh and breathless.

Its hard to say no to yourself. Saying no to Mr Nasty is particularly easy. I think about him and I feel sick and I know that the only way to get Mr Nasty out of my tummy for good is to stay off of the cigarettes! Keeping this thought in my head... Day 2 seems to fly by!

Day 1! Motivation Motivation Motivation

So day 1...

day 1..

d.a.y. 1 eh?

I've been told that Day 1 is meant to be the easiest. It's the day when you are full of confidence, full of motivation, full of desire and positive thinking to kick this filthy, disgusting habit for good.

I hate Day 1!
Day 1 for me is one of the hardest days! If someone could live in my head for the day I would probably be diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic by night time. I argue back and forth with myself all day, the conversation goes a little like this:

Me; "Right Sarah This is It! This time I am chucking the habit for good! I am going to be fit and healthy and smell lovely! WooHoo!"
Me; "The only thing is... I don't know if I really want to do this... I mean am I doing this because my friends and family think I should?"
Me; "Don't be silly, of course I want to do this... most of your friends smoke anyway so they aren't telling you to stop"
Me;"I just don't feel right without a fag... It's part of who I am; Sarah, white, 23, female, smoker"
Me;"Yeah but now I can be Sarah, white, 23, female, ex-smoker, fit, slim, smells lovely!"
Me;"Yeah I suppose... but I don't want to be all pissy and moapy all the time... I could just go buy a pack, I am at work anyway, no one would know, I just need one, I could just have one..."
Me; "No! We are doing it this time! No-one wants to see a graduate puffing in the corner, a social worker coming in stinking of smoke, a beautiful bride hiding round the back of the church, or a pregnant women smoking before she goes into the labour ward... I don't want this anymore!!"
Me; "but...."

And on and on I go...

I am using patches for this quit attempt. I was actually meant to stop at the beginning of the summer and was taking Champix (the new anti-smoking prescription drug) for the second time in my smoking career. The first time I used Champix I stopped for almost 8 months so I was hopeful about stopping for good with it this time. However, when I used Champix the last time I did have two out of the 490 possible side effects: insomnia and nausea. Having brought this up with my Doctor I was prescribed a lower dose of the drug this time around.. I felt great, no sickness and I was sleeping fine... in fact I was two days away from my stop date when one night I developed sever pain in and around my left eyeball. Putting it down to a migraine I took some painkillers and went to bed. The next day; no headache.... mega eye pain.

I went to my Doctor the same day and had a thorough eye test, ruling out swelling, eye strain or foreign body. Champix was deemed the culprit and I was quickly taken off the drug.

It was a major blow I was all siked up for stopping and with a girlie holiday in Gran Canaria looming with the promise of sun and alcohol a plenty I felt that I had missed my chance! Patches never worked in the past and I felt really pessimistic about my chances.

What changed? My mind set... don't get me wrong I smoked happily in Gran Canaria and never regretted not stopping whilst I was there but it was when I had to try and time my final cigarette as close to the planes scheduled departure as possible that I knew enough was enough. Being on holiday is one thing but back at home I didn't have any more excuses. Sure patches never worked in the past but I also started smoking again after the Champix. I felt sure the Champix would work this time so why not the patches. I realised the difference was me, not the tool, so I decided to give the patches a proper go.

Day 1 was hard... the two sides of my personality fighting amongst themselves throughout the day but work was a grateful distraction and I also ate my body weight in cream cakes... justifiable so, I thought.
That evening at home I found myself at my computer and that's when I had my blog idea, so I set that up and was feeling pretty positive about the whole thing. I then decided to reward myself for getting through the most difficult part of my personal stop smoking journey... day 1.

two hours later I was finishing my blog having had a deep root conditioning treatment, full body scrub, foot massage and pedicure, manicure and fake tan... all from the comfort of my own home. I felt like a new person... Sarah, 24, female, white, ex-smoker....and bloody gorgeous!

Polly - My Best Friend

Polly was there for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. Polly was there when boyfriends left or I left boyfriends, Polly was there when I failed my first driving test and passed the second. Polly was there when I had a pregnancy scare, at every birthday since I was 17, when I graduated high school and university. Polly was there when no one else was.

 Polly sounds like a wonderful friend.... replace Polly with Cigarettes.....



There is a very funny quote which says: "giving up cigarettes is easy, I've quit hundreds of times".

It increases the risk of cancer, of heart problems, it means you can't be fit, it makes you smell, it takes all your money and most of the time you hate it. Yet quitting cigarettes is the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I haven't even succeed yet.

I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but that's not really the point anyway. This is quit attempt 457 (just kidding but it feels like it) and this time I am determined to get off of cigarettes for good! I knew that I needed to do something different, something that I could focus on that would keep my hands busy, but at the same time I needed to talk about how I was feeling. I can't knit or sew and baking is out of the question because I want to avoid comfort eating everything in sight. So I decided to start a blog. Why not? Seems the whole world is online, I hope that it will serve as an cyber diary where I can offload how I feel without the embarrassment of having my mum find it in my knicker drawer (been there, done that, not pretty!)

So I suppose I should give you some information about myself, just incase you are reading it!?
My name is Sarah and I am 23 years old. I first tried cigarettes when I was 13 as an attempt to get the "cool" kids in school to be my friends (a behaviour heavily attributed to being bullied at primary school). That was until my Mum caught me stealing fags out her packet and I got a good hiding plus was grounded for like a year!!


Never touched them after that, in fact I joined the school hockey team, everything was fine, until I turned 16. Suddenly I found myself hanging with my friends at the park at the weekend (I know I know please don't judge me!) and we were buying alcohol and somehow I started smoking again. When I got caught this time I had the law on my side, all my Mum said was that if I wanted to smoke I had to get a Saturday job, so I did.

Fast forward 7 years; after failures and successes, falling in love and quickly back out of it, getting into uni, meeting new friends, losing old friends, moving out of home, moving back home, I find myself in a funny world of contentment. Having been with my boyfriend (and Mr. Right I may add) for almost 3 years and finally shifting some weight I realised that my life was good. I have a great relationship with my parents (who I still live with by the way) and younger brother, I am doing well in my Masters course in Social Work so the career ambitions are going well, I have a part time job I love and a great group of friends. The only thing I hated about myself was my body (along with every other 23 year old I know to be fair) so I started to lose weight.

Suffering from an under active thyroid meant that I had to work very hard to lose weight and with a history of yoyo dieting I didn't hold our much hope. Then I discovered exercise and pretty soon I had lost over a stone and was back to a comfortable size 14. I felt amazing and even went to Gran Canaria with 3 skinny mates and still felt sexy. However, the exercise was grinding to a halt and my progress slowed, I wasn't getting any fitter and it was time to end my only 100% committed relationship I have ever had.....Polly.

I never had an epiphany or a health scare, no one close to me had cancer and I was able to afford to smoke (all smokers are). Then I asked my boyfriend one day if there was anything he could change about me what would it be.... he didn't even blink "I would make you a non-smoker".

I began to analyse myself and my relationship with cigarettes. If my boyfriend tried to dictate my moves, alienate me from my friends or drag me out of the pub I would have none of it. Yet I let cigarettes do it.... its time for this relationship to end

This blog is about my journey. I don't expect anyone to read it, it's more a tool to help me help myself and if I help someone else at the same time that's a bonus. So here we go..... Day 1....