hmmm.... bored.com

I feel as though I am neglecting my blog this time round and I want you to know it's not because I am not trying hard or because I am slipping up and not wanting to say anything.

I am actually finding this attempt all a bit... easy.

For instance I proberly had one of the worst days of my life last week. Placement was awful, I fell out with my boyfriend, I was feeling so low. Not once did I think about having a fag.

Today i have been up to my eye balls in risk assessments, stressed out my box... not once did I think about having a fag.

I think my mind set has really changed this time. The only one wee niggly thing is going out.

I know it's stupid but I still can't convince myself that a night out will still be as enjoyable without cigarettes. Don't get me wrong I have identified that this is the weakest point for me and as it's only week 3 I am not beating myself up about having one or two on a night out. But I know the risks of social smoking when you've previously been a full time (or real :p) smoker.

Tonight is drinks for my boyfriends bday - it's very rare for me to have two nights out in the same month! I spoke to him though and he said if I really wanted one then it was ok. Sweet huh!

The thing is I think he knows this attempt is the real deal - I am in week 3 for crying out loud, usually don't get near it! But more than that he asked me if I had a cigarette on the worst day of my life, which was followed by another pretty horrific day due to some heavy future choice discussions. Usually this would have been enough for me to justify returning to my habit. This time however I am under no illusions - having a cigarette wouldn't have made the day better, wouldn't have made the conversation easier and wouldn't have made me feel any better. I would have felt guilty on top of everything else. And as a self confessed perfectionist who beats herself up about everything else the last thing I need is more guilt.

So i will go out tonight and if I have a fag then I have a fag, it won't my night any better - but there is a chance it won't make it worse. I just need to shake this fear... answers on a postcard please!
(or a facebook comment!)