Smoking is No Longer Cool

So day 1 of attempt 415 and I actually feel ok. Stuck my patch on this morning then was struck by an instant slide show of up and coming events that I would usually smoke at. This was swiftly followed by the feeling of panic that all smokers get (like when they run out of cigarettes at 2am???).

This panic is an interesting sensation, one which a non-smoker cannot understand. Its momentary loss of all things logic, the 55 other things that were plaguing you that day melt away and all you can think about is when, how and where you can access more cigarettes. Its a result of one thing and one thing only: your addiction.

The brain (which is the part of your body which is addicted) when informed of the fact that it does not know where it's next hit is coming from, tells your body to FREAK OUT! Your breathing shallows, heart starts to race, you may even break out in a cold sweat. Your brain panics and your body follows... its a chemical reaction caused by a psychological dependence on nicotine.

My patches obviously help, because they supply my brain with nicotine over the course of the day. Yet this morning I still panicked. I struggled to see myself at the pub, at a concert, shopping with my Mum (a smoker) or at a festival, without a cigarette. I even lifted a lighter and told myself that maybe the next couple of weeks isn't a good time to stop.

But as I headed to the shop I spoke, out loud, to myself. I said "Sarah, why don't we just see if we can get through this moment. If you still want to smoke later on that's fine, but lets just see if we can overcome this panic". And I did, in fact I felt so much better I didn't have a cigarette, for the whole day.

Maybe it's because I told my brain that it did not need to panic for I was going to let it smoke later if it wanted. Or maybe it was simply the magical force known as "willpower" - which according to the NHS is like a muscle and needs strengthening (BS if you ask me). For whatever the reason I got through the day, which means I can get through tomorrow. I am not going to sweat over the small stuff.

Besides I was dutifully informed by an old friend today that "Smoking is No Longer Cool".

Actually Cannot Breathe!

I went out on Sunday - and I smoked like an absolute chimney - 20 fags like that!

When I am hungover I don't smoke, only had 2 cigges yesterday to compliment the hangover (and shaming) of the year. But this morning, when my body obviously decided that I could handle the pressure, I coughed so hard that stuff came out of my lungs... stuff!

I can barely breathe today... and do you know what none of my friends that I was out with smoked... none! I am a dying breed, quite literally - it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning... I am killing myself and my body is trying to stop me!

So here we go again.... quit attempt number 415 and new years resolution number 2 - to quit smoking!

and back to square one we go

Hey everyone!

Sorry I haven't written in a while.

Unfortunately the news is not good!

Due to recent upset in my life I am afraid that I am smoking again full time. At the time I believed it would make me feel better, it would give me something else to think about rather than my world crumbling around me.

Now I realise that it was simply the addiction talking - I made excuses, like I always do, and now I am back on the fags.

To be very very very honest - right now I don't give a shit!!!!

hmmm.... bored.com

I feel as though I am neglecting my blog this time round and I want you to know it's not because I am not trying hard or because I am slipping up and not wanting to say anything.

I am actually finding this attempt all a bit... easy.

For instance I proberly had one of the worst days of my life last week. Placement was awful, I fell out with my boyfriend, I was feeling so low. Not once did I think about having a fag.

Today i have been up to my eye balls in risk assessments, stressed out my box... not once did I think about having a fag.

I think my mind set has really changed this time. The only one wee niggly thing is going out.

I know it's stupid but I still can't convince myself that a night out will still be as enjoyable without cigarettes. Don't get me wrong I have identified that this is the weakest point for me and as it's only week 3 I am not beating myself up about having one or two on a night out. But I know the risks of social smoking when you've previously been a full time (or real :p) smoker.

Tonight is drinks for my boyfriends bday - it's very rare for me to have two nights out in the same month! I spoke to him though and he said if I really wanted one then it was ok. Sweet huh!

The thing is I think he knows this attempt is the real deal - I am in week 3 for crying out loud, usually don't get near it! But more than that he asked me if I had a cigarette on the worst day of my life, which was followed by another pretty horrific day due to some heavy future choice discussions. Usually this would have been enough for me to justify returning to my habit. This time however I am under no illusions - having a cigarette wouldn't have made the day better, wouldn't have made the conversation easier and wouldn't have made me feel any better. I would have felt guilty on top of everything else. And as a self confessed perfectionist who beats herself up about everything else the last thing I need is more guilt.

So i will go out tonight and if I have a fag then I have a fag, it won't my night any better - but there is a chance it won't make it worse. I just need to shake this fear... answers on a postcard please!
(or a facebook comment!)

Worst Night Ever

It's bad enough being stuck in on a Saturday - worse when your on your own. I did plan to study but a super sized bag of wotsits and the T.V. all to myself was too much of a temptation.

But there was definitely something wrong with me on Saturday night - I couldn't be bothered with anything, I felt weird - kinda out of sorts, I was annoyed at the T.V.

Then it hit me - I was  skantin' (heavily craving) for a cigarette!!!!!!

Saturday was the first time since I quit this time that I actually felt that I was physically craving a cigarette. Craving nicotine is not the horrible, painful experience that people (smokers included) think that it is. This is something we imagine - to give us an excuse to "fail" again. Most smokers do not even know they are having withdrawals at all - in fact all smokers go through life with withdrawal symptoms - in between cigarettes - and we don't become raging bulls then, so really no excuses!

I haven't really missed the ciggies much this time - but I would have chewed somebodies arm off last night for one. What did I do - nothing much. I made a cup of tea (which I don't associate with smoking because I never did them together) and went to bed.

Feel fine again today. Feel so much better for getting through a really bad craving and determined to keep calm and carry on.

(victory dance round the room to the tune of mambo no.5)

the morning after the night before

So after only being off the cigarettes for a few days I had a night out on hand. Extremely excited and also very nervous - I didn't want to let anyone down.

But I did smoke.

But I don't feel like a failure.

You see the thing is that this time the people around me are reacting very differently then in previous quit attempts. I am not being constantly asked how I am feeling, or how I am getting on. I don't miss it this time - actually I find it's easier without the constant reminder.

I was a bit disappointed with myself for smoking - but my best friend (a social smoker herself) made me realise that I didn't fail. That sometimes the people around you can make you feel like a failure when you slip up, simply because they are desperate to see you succeed.

The difference is remembering that I am not doing this for anybody else - this is most definitely for me. It's about escaping the habit - it's about being in control of my life, not the other way round.

The next day - stuck a patch on and I honestly have even hardly thought about cigarettes since. When I went to the pharmacy for my weekly check up, my CO2 level (which was 6 last week) is down to 2 - that of a non-smoker :D

The morning after the night before never felt so good - despite nearly throwing up on the bus home, might have to blame the vodka for that!

Day 3 - The journey

“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”
- Chinese proverb

So I am on day 3 on my final quit attempt. And I don't mean final in that is I fail I am never trying again - I mean final because I am going to quit for good.

I am using the patches again - but importantly I have a different frame of mind this time. I actually managed to finish the Allen Carr EASYWAY to stop smoking book. I have had it for years, gifted to me on my 20th birthday and have read it - almost to the end - about six times. The thing is I could never finish it, probably because I was meant to stop smoking when I did!

This time I did finish it and at the time unfortunately it wasn't like a light bulb went on in my head. I began to think I didn't understand something, that maybe I was different and this wasn't going to work on me. However, when I began to think about it I realised that the aim of the book is not for the last sentence to suddenly make all the difference - it's just getting to the last sentence - if you get to end then you realise that you really want to stop.

It's the fear of stopping is what holds almost all smokers back - me included - the fear that nothing will ever be the same, that no social occasion will ever be complete without a cigarette and that for the rest of our lives we will find ourselves having the occasionally craving or pining for a fag.

What the book taught me most of all was that the empty feeling that I get, the one that holds me back from stopping smoking, is created by nicotine addiction. When you stop craving nicotine - physically AND mentally - then this feeling disappears and is replaced with a new one - pure enjoyment!

I have a very good friend (she will know who she is if she reads this) who probably has one of the most enviable social life's ever! This women is absolutely stunning, both inside and out, and every Sunday night or Monday morning she will have a facebook status which will some sort of variation on "What a Brilliant Weekend - Blazin!". She works hard, has amazing values and is one of the few people in my life I care very deeply about. She doesn't smoke!

I have realised that a good night is had by all (especially with the crazy mob I go out on the tiles with), but probably more so by non-smokers, who longer have to breathe in all our second hand smoke in the pub, but also don't have to stand outside, on the street, (usually pished), freezing cold, to have a fag.

Now, I have a night out on Saturday and I am not for one minute saying that there is no way I am going to smoke. You might find this a negative attitude to have before the event but I have to disagree. Previously I would argue that seen as I am going out on Saturday night, and I KNOW I am going to smoke because I am drinking then it's no big deal if I have the odd cigarette in the WEEK leading up to the night. Previously I would buy the packet during the day and normally I would smoke as usual all that day, night and probably the next day when I have a hangover as well.

I am not saying I will be able to not smoke on Saturday because I have identified that nights out are my most vulnerable place. But I can tell you that I will not smoke this week just because I have a night out. I will not buy a packet until I actually need to (or I'll just mooch off my other very very bestest friend - she definitely knows who she is haha). I will not smoke during the day and I will not smoke the day after.

Like the Chinese proverb says - a journey is made up of steps and we can only take one step at a time. The important point is that we must keep stepping - if we stop the journey is over. So I am being positive and I know that I will make it through this week. If I have a rest stop on Saturday night from my non-smoking journey, then fine, so long as I don't stop altogether and remember to keep on stepping.