So after only being off the cigarettes for a few days I had a night out on hand. Extremely excited and also very nervous - I didn't want to let anyone down.
But I did smoke.
But I don't feel like a failure.
You see the thing is that this time the people around me are reacting very differently then in previous quit attempts. I am not being constantly asked how I am feeling, or how I am getting on. I don't miss it this time - actually I find it's easier without the constant reminder.
I was a bit disappointed with myself for smoking - but my best friend (a social smoker herself) made me realise that I didn't fail. That sometimes the people around you can make you feel like a failure when you slip up, simply because they are desperate to see you succeed.
The difference is remembering that I am not doing this for anybody else - this is most definitely for me. It's about escaping the habit - it's about being in control of my life, not the other way round.
The next day - stuck a patch on and I honestly have even hardly thought about cigarettes since. When I went to the pharmacy for my weekly check up, my CO2 level (which was 6 last week) is down to 2 - that of a non-smoker :D
The morning after the night before never felt so good - despite nearly throwing up on the bus home, might have to blame the vodka for that!
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Day 3 - The journey
“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”
- Chinese proverb
So I am on day 3 on my final quit attempt. And I don't mean final in that is I fail I am never trying again - I mean final because I am going to quit for good.
I am using the patches again - but importantly I have a different frame of mind this time. I actually managed to finish the Allen Carr EASYWAY to stop smoking book. I have had it for years, gifted to me on my 20th birthday and have read it - almost to the end - about six times. The thing is I could never finish it, probably because I was meant to stop smoking when I did!
This time I did finish it and at the time unfortunately it wasn't like a light bulb went on in my head. I began to think I didn't understand something, that maybe I was different and this wasn't going to work on me. However, when I began to think about it I realised that the aim of the book is not for the last sentence to suddenly make all the difference - it's just getting to the last sentence - if you get to end then you realise that you really want to stop.
It's the fear of stopping is what holds almost all smokers back - me included - the fear that nothing will ever be the same, that no social occasion will ever be complete without a cigarette and that for the rest of our lives we will find ourselves having the occasionally craving or pining for a fag.
What the book taught me most of all was that the empty feeling that I get, the one that holds me back from stopping smoking, is created by nicotine addiction. When you stop craving nicotine - physically AND mentally - then this feeling disappears and is replaced with a new one - pure enjoyment!
I have a very good friend (she will know who she is if she reads this) who probably has one of the most enviable social life's ever! This women is absolutely stunning, both inside and out, and every Sunday night or Monday morning she will have a facebook status which will some sort of variation on "What a Brilliant Weekend - Blazin!". She works hard, has amazing values and is one of the few people in my life I care very deeply about. She doesn't smoke!
I have realised that a good night is had by all (especially with the crazy mob I go out on the tiles with), but probably more so by non-smokers, who longer have to breathe in all our second hand smoke in the pub, but also don't have to stand outside, on the street, (usually pished), freezing cold, to have a fag.
Now, I have a night out on Saturday and I am not for one minute saying that there is no way I am going to smoke. You might find this a negative attitude to have before the event but I have to disagree. Previously I would argue that seen as I am going out on Saturday night, and I KNOW I am going to smoke because I am drinking then it's no big deal if I have the odd cigarette in the WEEK leading up to the night. Previously I would buy the packet during the day and normally I would smoke as usual all that day, night and probably the next day when I have a hangover as well.
I am not saying I will be able to not smoke on Saturday because I have identified that nights out are my most vulnerable place. But I can tell you that I will not smoke this week just because I have a night out. I will not buy a packet until I actually need to (or I'll just mooch off my other very very bestest friend - she definitely knows who she is haha). I will not smoke during the day and I will not smoke the day after.
Like the Chinese proverb says - a journey is made up of steps and we can only take one step at a time. The important point is that we must keep stepping - if we stop the journey is over. So I am being positive and I know that I will make it through this week. If I have a rest stop on Saturday night from my non-smoking journey, then fine, so long as I don't stop altogether and remember to keep on stepping.
- Chinese proverb
So I am on day 3 on my final quit attempt. And I don't mean final in that is I fail I am never trying again - I mean final because I am going to quit for good.
I am using the patches again - but importantly I have a different frame of mind this time. I actually managed to finish the Allen Carr EASYWAY to stop smoking book. I have had it for years, gifted to me on my 20th birthday and have read it - almost to the end - about six times. The thing is I could never finish it, probably because I was meant to stop smoking when I did!
This time I did finish it and at the time unfortunately it wasn't like a light bulb went on in my head. I began to think I didn't understand something, that maybe I was different and this wasn't going to work on me. However, when I began to think about it I realised that the aim of the book is not for the last sentence to suddenly make all the difference - it's just getting to the last sentence - if you get to end then you realise that you really want to stop.
It's the fear of stopping is what holds almost all smokers back - me included - the fear that nothing will ever be the same, that no social occasion will ever be complete without a cigarette and that for the rest of our lives we will find ourselves having the occasionally craving or pining for a fag.
What the book taught me most of all was that the empty feeling that I get, the one that holds me back from stopping smoking, is created by nicotine addiction. When you stop craving nicotine - physically AND mentally - then this feeling disappears and is replaced with a new one - pure enjoyment!
I have a very good friend (she will know who she is if she reads this) who probably has one of the most enviable social life's ever! This women is absolutely stunning, both inside and out, and every Sunday night or Monday morning she will have a facebook status which will some sort of variation on "What a Brilliant Weekend - Blazin!". She works hard, has amazing values and is one of the few people in my life I care very deeply about. She doesn't smoke!
I have realised that a good night is had by all (especially with the crazy mob I go out on the tiles with), but probably more so by non-smokers, who longer have to breathe in all our second hand smoke in the pub, but also don't have to stand outside, on the street, (usually pished), freezing cold, to have a fag.
Now, I have a night out on Saturday and I am not for one minute saying that there is no way I am going to smoke. You might find this a negative attitude to have before the event but I have to disagree. Previously I would argue that seen as I am going out on Saturday night, and I KNOW I am going to smoke because I am drinking then it's no big deal if I have the odd cigarette in the WEEK leading up to the night. Previously I would buy the packet during the day and normally I would smoke as usual all that day, night and probably the next day when I have a hangover as well.
I am not saying I will be able to not smoke on Saturday because I have identified that nights out are my most vulnerable place. But I can tell you that I will not smoke this week just because I have a night out. I will not buy a packet until I actually need to (or I'll just mooch off my other very very bestest friend - she definitely knows who she is haha). I will not smoke during the day and I will not smoke the day after.
Like the Chinese proverb says - a journey is made up of steps and we can only take one step at a time. The important point is that we must keep stepping - if we stop the journey is over. So I am being positive and I know that I will make it through this week. If I have a rest stop on Saturday night from my non-smoking journey, then fine, so long as I don't stop altogether and remember to keep on stepping.
Sunday, 16 January 2011
Step 1 - I want to stop because.....
All smokers know they should stop. They also know the reasons why they should stop:
Improved Health
Children
Others Around Them
Money
Why do I want to stop? Usually because I am told that it is what I should want!?
Not this time!
But I am also aware that all the reasons above and not the reasons why I want to stop, because lets face it - if the scare strategies worked, if those reasons that are drilled into all smokers mattered to me, then I would have stopped a long time ago, in fact I wouldn't have started smoking.
What I have realised is that it is the reasons why I smoke that I need to rethink.
I started because I thought it would make me look cool and save me from being bullied, perhaps there is still an element of that - which I know now is no reason at all.
I have a lot of friends who don't smoke - and I think they are some of the greatest people ever (not to say my friends who do smoke are any less awesome!).
Smoking doesn't destress me - biologically it is a stimulant, it increases the chemical reactions in my body that are the same as stress - the destresser is when I walk away from the thing that is stressing me to go for the cigarette.
Smoking doesn't help my concentration, it makes it worse because when I begin to crave I lose the focus on the task at hand!
Why do I want to stop - because I am fed up. I am a self admitted control freak (friends and family will confirm!) and I obsessively try my best to control everything - my day (I hate when plans change unexpectedly), my finances (internet banking is one of my home pages), my life ( 5 year plan - try 15 year plan!!!). Yet everyday, every hour, I let something else control me. I work my life around cigarettes - I leave the house ten minutes earlier than what I need to so I can have my morning cigarette at the station and I leave work five minutes earlier than I need to so I can do the exact same thing before I head home.
I am fed up being an addict! I want to be another type of person - one who is fit and happy and most importantly - IN CONTROL!
2 days to go.... till d-day!
Improved Health
Children
Others Around Them
Money
Why do I want to stop? Usually because I am told that it is what I should want!?
Not this time!
But I am also aware that all the reasons above and not the reasons why I want to stop, because lets face it - if the scare strategies worked, if those reasons that are drilled into all smokers mattered to me, then I would have stopped a long time ago, in fact I wouldn't have started smoking.
What I have realised is that it is the reasons why I smoke that I need to rethink.
I started because I thought it would make me look cool and save me from being bullied, perhaps there is still an element of that - which I know now is no reason at all.
I have a lot of friends who don't smoke - and I think they are some of the greatest people ever (not to say my friends who do smoke are any less awesome!).
Smoking doesn't destress me - biologically it is a stimulant, it increases the chemical reactions in my body that are the same as stress - the destresser is when I walk away from the thing that is stressing me to go for the cigarette.
Smoking doesn't help my concentration, it makes it worse because when I begin to crave I lose the focus on the task at hand!
Why do I want to stop - because I am fed up. I am a self admitted control freak (friends and family will confirm!) and I obsessively try my best to control everything - my day (I hate when plans change unexpectedly), my finances (internet banking is one of my home pages), my life ( 5 year plan - try 15 year plan!!!). Yet everyday, every hour, I let something else control me. I work my life around cigarettes - I leave the house ten minutes earlier than what I need to so I can have my morning cigarette at the station and I leave work five minutes earlier than I need to so I can do the exact same thing before I head home.
I am fed up being an addict! I want to be another type of person - one who is fit and happy and most importantly - IN CONTROL!
2 days to go.... till d-day!
Monday, 10 January 2011
First Step is the Hardest
You would think after various attempts I would get used to the first step of quitting smoking - but it really is the hardest part of the journey. You know the pain and difficulties that lie ahead and that it can all be avoided if you don't bother starting at all. The fear of failure - again - weighed heavily on my mind when I phoned up the smoking class today to find out if I missed it. Apparently it starts tonight....
Excuses, excuses:
I am still recovering from the flu and feeling quite tired and drained today... (first day back at placement).
I have been up since 6.30am and I am tired...
I won't get home till 8pm! That's too long a day!
Then my colleague (who is on day 5 of his personal journey - we were meant to stop together, he dumped me in favour of an earlier start....) told me that I can get the same support from the pharmacy, and if I made it one local to my placement location I don't have any excuses (I was halfway through saying my pharmacy would be closed before I got home when he threw that one at me).
So off I toddled, and the lovely pharmacist took some details and informed me (so much for personal choice, picking a date to be ready etc etc...) that my quit date was 18/1/2011. I go back on the 17th to get my patches and get a CO2 reading (where they tell me how much poison is in my lungs) and then quit the next day. Every Monday I go back - they do a reading to see if I cheated and get my next weeks patches. It has a very rehabilitative feel to it all.... then I suppose that it what I am doing, rehabilitating myself into a non-smoker.
So as I walked up from the shop - stop smoking leaflets in one hand, fag in the other, I thought about my first step. I realised that, in fact, my first step was completed - I had asked for the help, got it and signed my life away. The second step is this week - I have to 'disassociate' my habitual cigarettes, e.g. the ones I always have - like before I go in the office, before lunch, waiting on the train to go home - you get the idea. By smoking at other times I will weaken the link between cigarettes and specific times of the day, so when I stop those times won't be particularly more difficult than any other - an important step to limit the impact of craving!!
So there you are - step 1 - now I have to plan my quit date.
Excuses, excuses:
I am still recovering from the flu and feeling quite tired and drained today... (first day back at placement).
I have been up since 6.30am and I am tired...
I won't get home till 8pm! That's too long a day!
Then my colleague (who is on day 5 of his personal journey - we were meant to stop together, he dumped me in favour of an earlier start....) told me that I can get the same support from the pharmacy, and if I made it one local to my placement location I don't have any excuses (I was halfway through saying my pharmacy would be closed before I got home when he threw that one at me).
So off I toddled, and the lovely pharmacist took some details and informed me (so much for personal choice, picking a date to be ready etc etc...) that my quit date was 18/1/2011. I go back on the 17th to get my patches and get a CO2 reading (where they tell me how much poison is in my lungs) and then quit the next day. Every Monday I go back - they do a reading to see if I cheated and get my next weeks patches. It has a very rehabilitative feel to it all.... then I suppose that it what I am doing, rehabilitating myself into a non-smoker.
So as I walked up from the shop - stop smoking leaflets in one hand, fag in the other, I thought about my first step. I realised that, in fact, my first step was completed - I had asked for the help, got it and signed my life away. The second step is this week - I have to 'disassociate' my habitual cigarettes, e.g. the ones I always have - like before I go in the office, before lunch, waiting on the train to go home - you get the idea. By smoking at other times I will weaken the link between cigarettes and specific times of the day, so when I stop those times won't be particularly more difficult than any other - an important step to limit the impact of craving!!
So there you are - step 1 - now I have to plan my quit date.
Sunday, 9 January 2011
HELLO 2011!
Well here we are - 2011 and I am still smoking.......
Unfortunately my previous attempt didn't go as planned, but apparently the average smoker has 4 real attempts before giving up for good, still got a few lives left then!!
In the spirit on New Year, New You and all that shite, I have decided to give chucking the bad habit another go! I was going to start a new blog thread but I think that this is a journey and the journey includes some unplanned stops along the way. So instead I have decided to continue the blog on, because I have learned from my mistakes and (hopefully) won't make them again!
I have signed up for a stop smoking class, although I think the first class was last week - I had flu :( but you stop in the 3rd week, according to the website, so I am going to phone them tomorrow and see if I can still go!!
My plan is to try Zyban - I have been advised by my GP not to go anywhere near Champix because of the weird affects it has had on my the last two attempts (oh shit! I don't have any lives left - well the 2nd attempt doesn't really count because I was taken off the Champix before I stopped smoking - so I have a spare life! phew!)
So I am going to make an appointment with the GP tomorrow and ask about Zyban - the reason I think it will be better is because it has no nictoine - nice clean break - but also that it makes cigarettes make you feel sick - I usually cave in and have a sneaky one which snowballs into a relapse, so if that sneaky fag doesn't do anything for me then hopefully I won't have another.
I am also going to read Allan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking, it has worked for a lot of people and hopefully it will work for me to. I have got to the same chapter twice before, then stopped reading, possibly because I realized that reading any further meant quitting.
And of course I am going to do the blog - keeps me busy, gives me a chance to offload and... well I like the attention I get :D
Those who read this blog - my friends and family - supported me through my attempt and consoled me through my relapse. I am going to be selfish and ask for that support again!
I will updated you all tomorrow on wither I can go to the class, and my subsequent quit date from there!!!
Fingers and Toes Crossed!!
Unfortunately my previous attempt didn't go as planned, but apparently the average smoker has 4 real attempts before giving up for good, still got a few lives left then!!
In the spirit on New Year, New You and all that shite, I have decided to give chucking the bad habit another go! I was going to start a new blog thread but I think that this is a journey and the journey includes some unplanned stops along the way. So instead I have decided to continue the blog on, because I have learned from my mistakes and (hopefully) won't make them again!
I have signed up for a stop smoking class, although I think the first class was last week - I had flu :( but you stop in the 3rd week, according to the website, so I am going to phone them tomorrow and see if I can still go!!
My plan is to try Zyban - I have been advised by my GP not to go anywhere near Champix because of the weird affects it has had on my the last two attempts (oh shit! I don't have any lives left - well the 2nd attempt doesn't really count because I was taken off the Champix before I stopped smoking - so I have a spare life! phew!)
So I am going to make an appointment with the GP tomorrow and ask about Zyban - the reason I think it will be better is because it has no nictoine - nice clean break - but also that it makes cigarettes make you feel sick - I usually cave in and have a sneaky one which snowballs into a relapse, so if that sneaky fag doesn't do anything for me then hopefully I won't have another.
I am also going to read Allan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking, it has worked for a lot of people and hopefully it will work for me to. I have got to the same chapter twice before, then stopped reading, possibly because I realized that reading any further meant quitting.
And of course I am going to do the blog - keeps me busy, gives me a chance to offload and... well I like the attention I get :D
Those who read this blog - my friends and family - supported me through my attempt and consoled me through my relapse. I am going to be selfish and ask for that support again!
I will updated you all tomorrow on wither I can go to the class, and my subsequent quit date from there!!!
Fingers and Toes Crossed!!
Thursday, 14 October 2010
sorry its late... and sorry I am failing
Hey everyone,
First of all sorry it has been so long since this blog post, it has been a couple of difficult weeks.
Unfortunately I am pretty much back to smoking all the time again, however I am still keeping it to about 5 a day, much less than before. I don't smoke in the house because I don't want to disappoint my Dad and I think that if I tell him that my attempt really will be over and I will have failed...again.
and why? well......I am terrified of being fat...
I have worked hard and struggled with my weight since I was about 18. My self image, and lack of it, is a huge issue for me. I have very little self esteem and only feel confident when I am in a professional setting. I began to wonder why this is and came to the (probably over analyzed) conclusion that all through my life I have been good at one thing: school. Academic achievements are my thing, although I am not a straight A student I am a fairly consist B student and have always been happy with that. I feel most comfortable in that role; the one with the badge, with the label, with the information; the one where it doesn't matter what I look like because it's what I am saying that matters.
As soon as I start smoking I start eating everything, much more than what I already do. Freud would have a field day with me, as I am obviously stuck in some sort of Oral Fixation stage (although my boyfriend will probably disagree with that statement - wink!). I was beginning to work up my exercise program when I quit and that was helping but my blasted knee has been giving me so much bloody jip recently that I haven't been able to do anything at all; even walking up the stairs hurts.
So I am stuck.. I am in a limbo of worlds; fit and healthy Sarah or same old smoking Sarah... thing is the fitness and the health don't really bother me - I just don't want to be fat. I am stuck between a cigarette and a cream bun and I don't know what to do....
First of all sorry it has been so long since this blog post, it has been a couple of difficult weeks.
Unfortunately I am pretty much back to smoking all the time again, however I am still keeping it to about 5 a day, much less than before. I don't smoke in the house because I don't want to disappoint my Dad and I think that if I tell him that my attempt really will be over and I will have failed...again.
and why? well......I am terrified of being fat...
 |
| The way I used to be - Slim and Gorgeous and Taller than Christmas Trees |
I have worked hard and struggled with my weight since I was about 18. My self image, and lack of it, is a huge issue for me. I have very little self esteem and only feel confident when I am in a professional setting. I began to wonder why this is and came to the (probably over analyzed) conclusion that all through my life I have been good at one thing: school. Academic achievements are my thing, although I am not a straight A student I am a fairly consist B student and have always been happy with that. I feel most comfortable in that role; the one with the badge, with the label, with the information; the one where it doesn't matter what I look like because it's what I am saying that matters.
As soon as I start smoking I start eating everything, much more than what I already do. Freud would have a field day with me, as I am obviously stuck in some sort of Oral Fixation stage (although my boyfriend will probably disagree with that statement - wink!). I was beginning to work up my exercise program when I quit and that was helping but my blasted knee has been giving me so much bloody jip recently that I haven't been able to do anything at all; even walking up the stairs hurts.
 |
| the way i feel...... |
So I am stuck.. I am in a limbo of worlds; fit and healthy Sarah or same old smoking Sarah... thing is the fitness and the health don't really bother me - I just don't want to be fat. I am stuck between a cigarette and a cream bun and I don't know what to do....
Friday, 1 October 2010
If at first you don't succeed...
...destroy all evidence that you tried! (unknown)
Of course that is a little difficult given that hundreds (well maybe a dozen or so) people are reading my blog with tense fervour and rooting for me to do well. Talk about pressure...
Yeah lets talk about pressure. 66% of smokers want to give up (2007) and the top 4 reasons were: health, cost, family pressure and the effect on children (in that order btw! sorry kids!)
Smokers are told by everyone; health boards, family, friends, some non smokers they meet, every ex-smoker they meet (you guys are the fricking worst - I am just saying) that they should, nae they must, give up!
No offense guys, but if we listened to all the reasons why we shouldn't smoke, we wouldn't smoke in the first place! :)
I tried cigarettes for the first time when I was 13 years old... and I hated it!! I had just started high school and was desperate to avoid any bullying at all costs, due to a terrible time in the last two years of primary. I figured that if I smoked then the "cool kids" would like me and become my friends and as a natural consequence would leave me alone. This didn't really work out the way I planned, turns out that I still got bullied for actually doing my homework and wanting to learn stuff in class and got slapped six ways from Sunday into the bargain when my Mum caught me stealing fags out her packet! Good excuse to stop the pretence then...
And I did, I never touched another cigarette for 3 years. I concentrated at school and found a good group of mates who didn't smoke. Then I turned 15 and every rebellious hormone in my body awoke from their preadolescence hibernation to climax in a flurry of anger (at everyone) and upset (at everything). I also became painfully aware of my own body and like all girls that age, saw myself as fat and uncool and un-trendy and misunderstood and thoroughly pissed off! So I began to hang around at the weekends with other kids my age and as usual the lack of mental stimulation coupled with a desire to experiment and a thought process which concluded that I was pretty indestructible lead to the inevitable: drink and cigarettes.
Now 9 years later I am struggling to let go... am still smoking a couple a day - keeping one foot in the door? hmmm.... maybe. Not quite ready to sever the addiction? hmmm.... maybe. Not wanting to lose the feeling that I am a shatterproof young girl, with a great body, no responsibilities, no mistakes, no money issues and who is "in"? hmmm.... definitely.
Of course that is a little difficult given that hundreds (well maybe a dozen or so) people are reading my blog with tense fervour and rooting for me to do well. Talk about pressure...
Yeah lets talk about pressure. 66% of smokers want to give up (2007) and the top 4 reasons were: health, cost, family pressure and the effect on children (in that order btw! sorry kids!)
Smokers are told by everyone; health boards, family, friends, some non smokers they meet, every ex-smoker they meet (you guys are the fricking worst - I am just saying) that they should, nae they must, give up!
No offense guys, but if we listened to all the reasons why we shouldn't smoke, we wouldn't smoke in the first place! :)
I tried cigarettes for the first time when I was 13 years old... and I hated it!! I had just started high school and was desperate to avoid any bullying at all costs, due to a terrible time in the last two years of primary. I figured that if I smoked then the "cool kids" would like me and become my friends and as a natural consequence would leave me alone. This didn't really work out the way I planned, turns out that I still got bullied for actually doing my homework and wanting to learn stuff in class and got slapped six ways from Sunday into the bargain when my Mum caught me stealing fags out her packet! Good excuse to stop the pretence then...
And I did, I never touched another cigarette for 3 years. I concentrated at school and found a good group of mates who didn't smoke. Then I turned 15 and every rebellious hormone in my body awoke from their preadolescence hibernation to climax in a flurry of anger (at everyone) and upset (at everything). I also became painfully aware of my own body and like all girls that age, saw myself as fat and uncool and un-trendy and misunderstood and thoroughly pissed off! So I began to hang around at the weekends with other kids my age and as usual the lack of mental stimulation coupled with a desire to experiment and a thought process which concluded that I was pretty indestructible lead to the inevitable: drink and cigarettes.
Now 9 years later I am struggling to let go... am still smoking a couple a day - keeping one foot in the door? hmmm.... maybe. Not quite ready to sever the addiction? hmmm.... maybe. Not wanting to lose the feeling that I am a shatterproof young girl, with a great body, no responsibilities, no mistakes, no money issues and who is "in"? hmmm.... definitely.
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