If at first you don't succeed...

...destroy all evidence that you tried! (unknown)

Of course that is a little difficult given that hundreds (well maybe a dozen or so) people are reading my blog with tense fervour and rooting for me to do well. Talk about pressure...

Yeah lets talk about pressure. 66% of smokers want to give up (2007) and the top 4 reasons were: health, cost, family pressure and the effect on children (in that order btw! sorry kids!)
Smokers are told by everyone; health boards, family, friends, some non smokers they meet, every ex-smoker they meet (you guys are the fricking worst - I am just saying) that they should, nae they must, give up!

No offense guys, but if we listened to all the reasons why we shouldn't smoke, we wouldn't smoke in the first place! :)

I tried cigarettes for the first time when I was 13 years old... and I hated it!! I had just started high school and was desperate to avoid any bullying at all costs, due to a terrible time in the last two years of primary. I figured that if I smoked then the "cool kids" would like me and become my friends and as a natural consequence would leave me alone. This didn't really work out the way I planned, turns out that I still got bullied for actually doing my homework and wanting to learn stuff in class and got slapped six ways from Sunday into the bargain when my Mum caught me stealing fags out her packet! Good excuse to stop the pretence then...

And I did, I never touched another cigarette for 3 years. I concentrated at school and found a good group of mates who didn't smoke. Then I turned 15 and every rebellious hormone in my body awoke from their preadolescence hibernation to climax in a flurry of anger (at everyone) and upset (at everything). I also became painfully aware of my own body and like all girls that age, saw myself as fat and uncool and un-trendy and misunderstood and thoroughly pissed off! So I began to hang around at the weekends with other kids my age and as usual the lack of mental stimulation coupled with a desire to experiment and a thought process which concluded that I was pretty indestructible lead to the inevitable: drink and cigarettes.

Now 9 years later I am struggling to let go... am still smoking a couple a day - keeping one foot in the door? hmmm.... maybe. Not quite ready to sever the addiction? hmmm.... maybe. Not wanting to lose the feeling that I am a shatterproof young girl, with a great body, no responsibilities, no mistakes, no money issues and who is "in"? hmmm.... definitely.

Wisdom, Emotions, Relationships and the rest....

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

I have had the most emotional two days of my life, ranging from unbelievable anger to humiliation, to feeling like a selfish bastard too wrapped up in my own problems to the point when I forget to ask friends about theirs, to being so thankful that I have possibly the best friends in the world, to hating someone and then loving them all over again.

Cigarettes have just very nearly cost me my relationship... my three year relationship that has survived the credit crunch, an age gap, infidelity (on my part), betrayal, pregnancy scares, health problems, family problems, a breakup and thousands of little disagreements and hundreds of big disagreements. Cigarettes nearly cost me my other half, a huge part of my life, the man I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I ain't going to lie the intital disagreement about the cigarettes lead on to bigger issues which was threatening us, not the cigarettes per se. 

Some things in life are bigger than cigarettes. Some things in life are worth a bit of pain and suffering and sacrifice. 

Sometimes I am not a good person, most of the time I am not a wise person, but I have just started a painful journey which is going to need a lot of investment and time and patience and sacrifice from two people. Experience may be the bitterest way to become wise but surely that makes the lesson stick.

Its time to get back on track..... no more Mrs Nice Gal and no more Mr Nasty! 

Its an addiction - not a phase!

Addiction is defined as the condition of being addicted (to a habit) or of being an addict; specif., the habitual use of narcotic drugs.

Cigarettes contain nicotine, its the part that is addictive within the concoction of lethal poisons that are mixed together into some sort of suicidal cocktail.

If I had one wish it would be that I never stopped smoking in the first place (with a very close close second being the manner in which I lost my virginity - but that's another story, one which I will never tell you unless you ply me with alcohol and probably give me a fag!). Alas I have no magic wand, no genie in a bottle; just my will power fighting Mr Nasty and years of positive subconscious images of how cool it is to smoke.

As you can probably tell at this point i have hit somewhat of a low point in my journey. I celebrated my birthday on Friday night and there was alcohol and food and merriment and gossip and usually I wouldn't be able to resist a good few cigarettes but the thought never crossed my mind. Saturday night shift - I would have killed someone for their packet of fags, in fact I nearly did - the poor lamb I was working with, needless to say I ended up smoking. Problem was I had fags left over - shame to waste them and all that - smoked 3 today!

Dam it!! I was doing so well. You know what though I am stressed, I am tired, I am fed up, I am hungry all the fricking time, I am dramatic and upset and moody all the time and I miss cigarettes. I miss being a smoker! WTF is that all about?!?!

I try and stick to my image of Mr Nasty - but he is winning. I need a push, no, a shove back on track again and hopefully confessing to you lot will help me. I am almost frightened to admit when I slide back into old habits, I cannot be bothered with the look of disappointment my parents/friends/boyfriend will give me when I say it - so I don't, then become addicted to the secrecy, eventually get caught (boyfriend caught me fabulously the last time - fag in mouth - no weaseling out that one!).

Somehow though I know that the blog is helping, which is why I have decided to come clean this time. Tomorrow is a new day and I am hoping that a full day of studying will help keep my mind off it! I don't want to smoke and I have come so far - but its hard. This ain't like giving up chocolate or biting your nails. I ain't some 5 year old who won't stop sucking their thumb... I am an Addict! I am an Addict fighting and Addiction. I am an Addict fighting an Addiction to a drug which is defined as HIGHLY ADDICTIVE.

Looks of disappointment aside - I think people need to remember that!

Week 3... Epiphanies and Positive Thinking

I decided to stop bothering with the patches after about two weeks. There are several reasons behind this decision including the fact that they burn like hell for the first two hoursy and then fall off in the shower anyway. Plus I was using them as an excuse to smoke when I forgot to put one on so I figured I may as well eliminate that issue as quickly as possible.

Which means that now I officially have no nicotine in my body what so ever... any cravings I have are now in my head - not even my head but my tummy: Mr Nasty is my cravings and boy he is losing this war.

All my usual excuses I used in the past seem like feeble attempts for Mr Nasty to cling to his nicotine habit now. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend and when I got home I had one cigarette and do you know what: not only did it not make me feel any better but the reason we had a huge fight was still there after I finished said cigarette. I almost had some sort of epiphany: cigarettes don't actually make my problems better! Easy thought to accept really, especially when your head is halfway down the lavvy pan :) nice!

What is difficult, however, is that people forget. I mean I am not asking people to be checking how I am feeling every day etc. but sometimes people forget that I am still fighting an addiction, nicotine in system or not. Mr Nasty is still there... he is weaker and he is starving but that just makes him angrier which makes him all the more devious...

but I am trying to be positive and I hear that some people who read my blog are talking about stopping too. So here is a list of my body benefits so far: a list to help me think positively and to remind me that the fight is worth it.

After 2  days:Carbon Monoxide and Nicotine are both eliminated from my body! Yippee
3 days: Breathing is better, tubes relaxed and energy is on the up!!
2 weeks onwards: My blood is pumping with more oxygen in it, improving my circulation which helps ease pains, weight loss, decreases my risk of clots and makes my skin and organs healthier! This will continue to improve for the next 10 weeks!

I have saved about £112 so far!

3 year anniversary - smoke free Kisses

So having had a small bump in the road I got straight back on track with the stopping (slight oxymoron but you know what I mean).

My anniversary was amazing - my beautiful boyfriend had made me a home cooked curry and bought me a whole banoffee cheesecake to myself. There was candles, there was romance - it was perfect. Then I had the choice of an evening out or an evening in...

Evening in of course! LOL I am so boring... But we pulled the couch up in front of the television and had our very own cinema complete with Shutter Island and Sherlock Homles :D twas fab.

The best bit for me though was my present. My boyfriend has told me many times how happy he is that I have stopped smoking, how proud he is of me. I told him I would make it to our 3rd anniversary fag free and aside from one wee slip up I did. He didn't forget my promise and my anniversary present provided a little more encouragement for me to keep going...

How great is that! Funnily enough I can't afford to put the same amount of money in lol! I have no idea how I bloody afforded this smoking carry on in the first place. So I have decided on £2 a day just to keep me going! Thanks Honey for helping me stay focused!

Activism... Alcoholism.... And...?

Activism! Alcoholism! and Failure!

Well hello folks. In my last blog I talked about alcohol, but not because I wanted to give it up or anything, just that I knew I was going to be drinking over the weekend and I was worried how my willpower would fair.

First of all I want to set the scene. My university was holding the national Social Work Action Network (SWAN) conference and myself plus a few other volunteered to help out. The SWAN network is a national collection of social work students, practitioners and academics who believe in radical, socialist values and want to take action against the governments welfare cuts and challenge groups like the BNP!

The night before my friend had a bring a dish party and I knew I was going to have a drink or two...or three. And I COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT CIGARETTES ALL BLOODY DAY!!! So with a weakened resolve I bought ten fags. Although one friend did attempt to physically drag me away from the counter I was fed up with the mental torture that I had went through all day. Buying them may have put temptation in my hand but I sat through the whole evening and did not think about cigarettes once. I had a great night catching up with the usual suspects over a variety of homemade Indian delicacies and had one fag at the very end of the night, which I actually didn't feel too bothered about.

Then the next day I felt weird. I was tired, agitated and just didn't feel quite right. Then I realised something... NO PATCH! Bugger! The new environment of my friends, only having 5 hours sleep, hair and makeup needing done etc etc... totally forgot to put a patch on. So I ended up smoking some during the day as well.

Friday evening... it was ABSOLUTE WINE FUELED CARNAGE - we're not even getting into that discussion. but yeah I smoked....

The point is that on Saturday I was 100% not bothered about smoking. In fact I don't have a patch on right now and I feel fine. I had an amazing night and was privileged to be at an inspiring conference and I smoked. Now I am at home, I am chilling out and I haven't smoked.

Not to belittle the quit attempt, not forgetting Mr Nasty is still there; feeding me excuses. I would like to get to a place were I am not smoking even with alcohol. As long as I am right back on track then that is OK. So maybe not so much Activism! Alcoholism! and Failure.... now I think its more Activism! Alcoholism! and A Stumble on a long term commitment. Just doesn't have the same ring to it!

Day 7 - Drumroll Please

Dun dun dun dun da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


thats supposed to be a drumroll

So I made it - day 7! In fact I am actually writing this blog on day 10!!

So there you are folks I am well on my way and again your support has made it easier so thank you. Although the journey will be long I am thrilled to have gotten to the point where I can reply "Oh I stopped over a week ago!"

I feel better in terms of my mood AND the other day I even traveled to Glasgow, by train, and never though about it once. I know most of you are probably thinking And...? But that is quite a big deal for me. More than once I have found myself waiting at the station (I am always early for trains... always!) and thinking to myself; what the hell do non-smokers do when they are waiting on a train...as I smoke. Having voiced this concern to some friends a while back one of them looked at me like I had just said something like tigers are just big cats! Then casually replied... you just wait! Play with your phone or read or just wait!

Doing this blog was probably the best idea I have actually ever had, because now my 210 facebook friends know I have stopped smoking. To be fair 190 of them probably don't care much, or at all, actually given that I haven't spoke to them for years, and even when I did know them I didn't even like them to be fair. But the friends I do know and I do like have conformed into some sort of 24/7 smoking police. Just the other day at uni I was waiting for a mate at the bottom of the library ramp when another friend from class, who was walking down behind me, shouts "let me see those hands Conway!". There I was raised my hands like I was being arrested by the FBI: "whats my charge?"


In fairness I am thankful that people are in on the lookout for me and it saves a whole lot of explanations as well. However the next big challenge is coming up: ALCOHOL!

I haven't drunk since my holiday and I tend to find that alcohol weakens my resolve, especially if there are other smokers in the group. Will I or won't I? I am certainly going to try not too. Either way I can guarantee that someone will shout "Let me see those hands Conway!" and I can't get away with fibbing on facebook!