Cigarettes contain nicotine, its the part that is addictive within the concoction of lethal poisons that are mixed together into some sort of suicidal cocktail.
If I had one wish it would be that I never stopped smoking in the first place (with a very close close second being the manner in which I lost my virginity - but that's another story, one which I will never tell you unless you ply me with alcohol and probably give me a fag!). Alas I have no magic wand, no genie in a bottle; just my will power fighting Mr Nasty and years of positive subconscious images of how cool it is to smoke.
As you can probably tell at this point i have hit somewhat of a low point in my journey. I celebrated my birthday on Friday night and there was alcohol and food and merriment and gossip and usually I wouldn't be able to resist a good few cigarettes but the thought never crossed my mind. Saturday night shift - I would have killed someone for their packet of fags, in fact I nearly did - the poor lamb I was working with, needless to say I ended up smoking. Problem was I had fags left over - shame to waste them and all that - smoked 3 today!
Dam it!! I was doing so well. You know what though I am stressed, I am tired, I am fed up, I am hungry all the fricking time, I am dramatic and upset and moody all the time and I miss cigarettes. I miss being a smoker! WTF is that all about?!?!
I try and stick to my image of Mr Nasty - but he is winning. I need a push, no, a shove back on track again and hopefully confessing to you lot will help me. I am almost frightened to admit when I slide back into old habits, I cannot be bothered with the look of disappointment my parents/friends/boyfriend will give me when I say it - so I don't, then become addicted to the secrecy, eventually get caught (boyfriend caught me fabulously the last time - fag in mouth - no weaseling out that one!).
Somehow though I know that the blog is helping, which is why I have decided to come clean this time. Tomorrow is a new day and I am hoping that a full day of studying will help keep my mind off it! I don't want to smoke and I have come so far - but its hard. This ain't like giving up chocolate or biting your nails. I ain't some 5 year old who won't stop sucking their thumb... I am an Addict! I am an Addict fighting and Addiction. I am an Addict fighting an Addiction to a drug which is defined as HIGHLY ADDICTIVE.
Looks of disappointment aside - I think people need to remember that!
nightshifts are one of the hardest times hun...keep going, it's just a slip!!xxx
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